


Sucker Punch

by Phoebsfan



Category: Castle
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-28
Updated: 2011-09-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 19:12:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoebsfan/pseuds/Phoebsfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="small">"And that was all. Just a kiss?" Life after the Knockdown kiss.</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sucker Punch

  


  
__  
**_After all is said and done / I am not the one / I am not the one / After all is said and done / You are still the one / You are still the one  
_** Sucker Punch - OneRepublic  
  


"Something is different." He says it so plainly, so nonchalant and casual she almost dismisses it. But he's right, something is different.

At first, she didn't notice anything. Perhaps it was because after everything that happened, she didn't have much time to notice. Or maybe there was too much on her mind to notice. Then of course there was the initial awkwardness that kissing your partner presents. Will we talk about it or won't we?

With Rick's lips being the other participating party, it had been likely that talking about it would be unavoidable. He did like hearing the sound of his own voice above most anything. But he hasn't said one word about it. And sure, she might catch him watching her from time to time, but that isn't exactly a new development. Maybe his eyes linger a bit longer than normal, or maybe that is her own insecurity.

So when Josh gets back from Africa and knocks on her door, it is only mildly surprising that one of the first things out of his mouth after their initial kiss, is his comment on how something has changed. Like he can taste the difference on her tongue.

Josh is all hands and lips and something about it puts her off. She has never been one of those women who are fussy about where and when. And when she's with someone, she is with them one hundred percent. So she has to question her lack of desire, after Josh's absence of three weeks.

"Not now." She says simply as she closes the door behind him and eyes his suitcase warily. He had asked her to move in with him before he left, and she had told him they would talk about it after Africa, but his suitcase seems to be screaming that he has made the decision for them.

It's stupid, just a piece of luggage and she is probably giving it a lot more meaning that it deserves, but she likes her space. Even more so now that someone is in it again.

"What happened?" He asks as she brushes by him and returns to her cup of coffee and case file on the table in the kitchen.

It strikes her then that Josh really doesn't know her.

He knows that fun part of her, the part that dares convention and tangos with temptation. The part of her who isn't afraid to go out and dance or drink a little too much. He knows the fire and the passionate part that doesn't mind staying up all night doing things that would make her blush if the guys at the precinct ever found out about them.

But he doesn't know the part of her that aches for justice. He doesn't know the quiet reflective part, or the part that gets a little too caught up in some cases. He doesn't know that that passion and fire translate into something else when she's on the job. He doesn't know her desire to protect. Her need to be a little better, just a little smarter or faster. He doesn't know the way she can push herself past reason or get swallowed whole by one nagging doubt.

He doesn't know the friendly banter. He doesn't know the bite in her bark. He doesn't know how she likes her coffee or how she can spend hours lost between the pages of a good book.

He knows what side of the bed she sleeps on, and how she skips breakfast even though she knows she shouldn't, but those things don't seem to mean much.

She could tell him what happened, could tell him all about how she had a break through on her mother's case. How they finally have a lead sitting behind bars.

But he won't understand it.

He has never had to sit up with her, with Chinese food and photographs. He has never had to throw himself into the thick of it, not caring what happens to himself as long as she comes out of it. She is always just there for him, always easy, always agreeable.

He never has to fight for her because she never gives him any indication that there is anything more to fight for.

He sits down at the table across from her, his head cocked to one side as if studying her. She mimics his actions.

How has he never wondered what else there was? How has he never even attempted to ask the hard questions?

He told her once that her job was her job just like his job was his job. He is passionate about his job, and sometimes it gets in the way of them so he understands how hers can also interfere at times. He talks about it sometimes, about a particularly interesting surgery or his plans to bring his skills to less fortunate countries. But he never asks about her job. He never asks about who she saved today.

And she never offers.

"Seriously, Kate. What happened?"

"Just a rough case."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you then."

"Don't worry about it."

He stands and pours himself a cup of coffee.

"You should have seen what we were up against..."

He continues to talk about his trip, but she stops listening.

She can't help thinking that Rick wouldn't drop it. Can't help thinking that Rick wouldn't even have to ask. He would just know and he would know exactly what to say to make her feel better about it again.

It's funny, when they first started dating she thought that Josh didn't really need to know anything about her job, she had been so adamant to separate her personal life from her work life. But now she thinks that's an impossible feat. Now she thinks maybe she can't separate them. So much of her is her job.

It is only her fear of rejection, that slim possibility that she could be hurt if she let him in all the way that has held her back. If she's honest with herself, she can trace that back to Rick too. Not wanting to replace him but needing to replace her feelings for him.

Josh's lips move as he speaks and she watches them. Watches how they form each word and remembers the way Rick's felt against hers.

She's been telling herself that the kiss was a distraction. That it was a ploy, and that it meant nothing.

But she hasn't convinced herself entirely, and watching Josh's lips she remembers how once upon a time they used to light a fire in her as well. How not too long ago she didn't mind that they didn't belong to a certain Richard Castle, they still made her feel things.

Now she feels like maybe the new has worn off. Now maybe Josh is just that guy she keeps around because she's afraid she's never going to find one that will inspire the same feelings Rick's decoy kiss did.

She wonders if kissing him was cheating on Josh. If she has to tell him she kissed her partner as part of a plan to save Ryan and Esposito. She wonders if she has to explain how it started innocently enough but then escalated into something she isn't able to shake.

She wants to do it again.

So much has changed from the last time he sat across from her like this. She remembers kicking her shoes off and rubbing her foot against his ankle and up his calf as he tells her about his impending trip and how excited he is. She remembers how the evening ended in her bed, and she thinks she should at least entertain the notion of welcoming him back in a similar way.

But all she can think about, is how she wishes someone else was sitting across from her.

"I kissed him."

She blurts out suddenly and he freezes, his mouth hanging half open in surprise.

"What?" He finally questions an eternity later when the air seems to return to his lungs.

"Castle. It was part of a ploy to save the guys." She explains.

"I see." He turns his head away, his eyes moving toward the suitcase at the door.

She knew it. Knew he was trying to get a foot in the door, trying to slide past her defenses.

"Why are you telling me?" He asks, turning back to face her again.

"I don't know." She's brutally honest with him. If she had any wits about her she would have kept that to herself. There is no reason he needs to know about it. It wasn't supposed to mean anything.

His forehead wrinkles in concern, like he's trying to read beyond her words. Hunting for that little tell that will give her away. But he doesn't know her well enough, he can't see what is written all over her face. She knows that had Rick been sitting across from her, she wouldn't have been able to hide the questions that have been racing through her mind since her lips brushed against his.

"And that was all. Just a kiss?"

Who did he think she was? She was telling him about it wasn't she? What exactly did he think had happened? What more could have happened?

"Of course."

She knows the look he gives her, as if he is trying to decipher the truth in her words. She has no one to blame but herself for that.

"Ok."

It isn't okay, it's far from okay, because she wants to do it again. Even now she wishes he would just magically turn into another man. Even now she wishes things were less complicated. Wishes she still felt even a fraction of what she felt for Josh before Africa and the kiss. Before Rick.

Because now she's thinking of him as Rick, instead of Castle.

Now she's thinking about how his arms felt wrapped around her, pulling her closer as his tongue tried to slip past her lips. Now she's thinking about how he tastes and smells and how his skin is warm against hers.

She's thinking about how he knows her, better than Josh probably ever will. She's thinking about how he wouldn't be okay with her kissing another man, even as a ploy. She's thinking about how he would know it wasn't just a ploy for her. How he would be able to read past her carefully constructed barriers and see the truth.

He can see that she isn't with him and if it worries him he tries not to let it show. Finally he speaks again.

"It is ok, isn't it?"

She has never told him about Richard Castle.

Sure she has told him the necessary bits. He's shadowing her, research for his books. She had a passing fancy for his novels once upon a time. He's her friend. But the parts she has left out...

He asked her to go to go away with him last summer, then took his ex-wife after she had broken up with her boyfriend and decided to take a chance on them. She inspires him, and he returns the favor. He has saved her life, and she has saved his. He understands her and might even care for her as more than the friends they've been pretending to be.

Twelve years ago she stumbled across one of his books in a library, looking for distraction from the real world and her mother's death (which she also hasn't told him everything about), and it was love at first read.

He makes her laugh. He makes her cry.

And he drives her crazy.

Only now, it's more than annoying her. It's more than irritating comments or behaviors that grind on her nerves. Now he's driving her crazy in an entirely new way.

In anticipation. In her need. In a way that makes her wish she had never even heard of the man sitting across from her.

So no, it's not okay.

"I don't know." She says again. "I'm tired."

She doesn't want to talk about it anymore. All she really wants to do is curl up in her bed and sleep it off. Like Rick Castle is just some bad hangover that will disappear if she gives it enough time.

"Do you want me to go?" He asks as she stands up and steps back from the table, leaving her coffee and case file on the table.

"I don't care."

And for the first time since she started dating him, she really doesn't.


	2. Overwhelm

  
**_Push and pull me closer / Habit forming, you should stay away  
_** Sucker Punch - OneRepublic

He still hears her in his mind.

That small little sound that escaped her lips as she sealed them to his haunts him.

It boils in his stomach, churning up all those messy feelings he thought he had put away. Sending stupid ideas to his brain, and not the right one.

That little moan when she lost control.

Because she did lose control, even if she denies it.

It's all he can think about, that and making her lose control again.

He knew kissing her would be amazing, but in his wildest fantasies he could not have imagined just what it actually felt like. Like she was starving and he was the first meal she had seen in ages. Devouring. Possessing. She is more than a little addictive.

Pre-kiss that was easy to forget. Now... it's damn near impossible.

She comes to work in her tight jeans and heels, wearing that button up shirt that reveals more than he wants anyone else seeing, and all he thinks about is taking it off of her. It's starting to affect his writing; his latest manuscript looks more like a romance novel than a murder mystery. It's messing with their dynamic at work as well. The other day he was cornered in the hall by the guys, asking him what was up with the two of them.

When she talks, he gets lost watching her lips move. When she's doing paperwork, his eyes wander. When she moves, he's undressing her. He can't help it. God knows he's tried to stop it. He doesn't want to be so turned on by her—and what he knows those lips can do—in a room full of cops. It isn't appropriate work place behavior to take your partner in the restroom.

Not that she'd let him anyway. It doesn't stop Castle Junior from being eager to try, though.

It's torture.

They don't talk about it. Thankfully. He doesn't know what he would do if she started in on that topic of conversation. It would break the wall of professionalism that he is desperately trying to put in place. If she told him she liked it, he would have no choice but to repeat the activity often, and while that doesn't sound like a bad idea to him, he knows that their solve rate would plummet. He would not be all that eager to let her out of his bed if he had permission to touch her like he wants to.

And if she told him that she didn't like it? Well, he would then be forced to prove to her that she did. Again, by repeating the activity often. Which would either land him in a world of physical discomfort—he knew Kate knew how to handle unwanted advances—or back in his bed with a naked detective by his side.

But he had to stop thinking about it. Not that he imagines that's possible. He doubts that until they try and clear the air, he will ever be able to concentrate again. And even then he thinks it's iffy. Not when he can still remember the curve of her spine and the way her kisses are so direct and to the point. Or how her hands tug and pull.

Or that damned moan!

Even trying not to think about it just leads him right back to it.

He leans back against her desk as she stands by his side, arms crossed staring at the murder board.

"What are you thinking?" She asks, not turning to face him, one finger resting on her chin. Under those soft and inviting lips that he isn't supposed to be thinking about.

"Huh?" He asks as he realizes that once more she had distracted him with one of her attributes. His eyes wander her body again.

She bites back a smile. Her bottom lip trapped between her teeth.

"I asked you what you're thinking."

"Oh. Nothing. What about you? Anything pop?"

Besides the obvious tension.

"Nope. Stop thinking it so loudly and maybe something will." She suggests as she moves away from him and steps closer to the murder board. He watches her backside, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying to recall the case.

He knows it's a fruitless effort when she shifts her weight and sighs. She isn't having much luck with ignoring things either.

It's late, the lights are low and everyone else has gone home for the night. This is the first time they are completely alone since the kiss. There have always been other people, in the next room, around the corner, next to them. He doesn't want to think she's done it on purpose, because he doesn't think she's that afraid of the conversation that has to eventually happen. But sometimes he wonders.

He also wonders if he can convince her to come home with him, even if he knows she's with another man.

He's never hated Dr. Motorcycle Boy so much, now that he knows what he's missing and some other man is getting. He knows she isn't cheating on him because they aren't together, but he doesn't understand why that is anymore. Why aren't they together? And why if they aren't together, her being with her boyfriend is so infuriating to him?

Ok, maybe he understands that part. Maybe he just wishes he didn't. He doesn't really want to know if she's still 'with' Josh rather than just with Josh. He wants to think that his stupid spur of the moment plan has mucked that up for her. It's selfish, but it's better than the alternative...

Picturing Josh's surgeon hands running all over her naked skin, in places his hands are damn near desperate to visit.

"Ryan and Esposito think something is going on between us." He says softly, trying to push the unwanted though from his mind.

"They always think something is going on." She brushes it off.

"Maybe they're right." He murmurs low enough that she has to strain to make out his words. He knows she's not stupid. He knows she knows that there has always been 'something.' It has just never been so easy to define before, pre-kiss.

Pre-damned-intoxicating-moan-inducing-kiss.

"Hmmm." She offers with no commitment either way.

They sit in silence once more. He doesn't think he can take it anymore. Knowing they are alone. Feeling the tension radiating from her in waves of lust and need.

At least, that's what he thinks she's radiating. Hell if he really knows. Sometimes he just wants to shake the answers out of her. But he knows he never could, that the thought is just born of frustration and desperation.

"I told Josh." She says softly. Throwing it out so randomly that he almost doesn't catch it. "About the kiss."

"Why?" He knows what he wants her to say. It has something to do with: because it changed everything. Because he deserved to know. Because I need you and I'm sick of fighting it.

"I don't know." He gets instead, with a heavy sigh accompanying it. "I guess it was something he should know."

He wants to press her buttons further and ask her why she thinks he should know about it. Ask her if she liked it, if she wanted to do it again? If they could do it again? But he doesn't. He knows she isn't ready for that yet.

"How'd he take it?" He asks instead.

She turns to face him.

"Ok, I guess. I mean, it didn't mean anything. Why shouldn't he be ok with it?"

Because it did, and he can see it all over her face. She isn't saying it didn't mean anything, she is asking him what it meant.

"If I was yours, I wouldn't want anyone touching those lips. Not after I know how they taste." He answers honestly and he swears he sees her waver a bit. Like his words hit her deep in her core, in that secret sweet spot he wants so badly to visit. But even if it wasn't just his imagination, she recovers too quickly to tell.

"But you aren't and Josh isn't you." He swears there is some kind of regret in that.

"No. He isn't." He pushes away from the desk, putting himself in front of her. "And you're right, it didn't mean anything."

She almost flinches, turning her face away quickly to avoid eye contact.

"Did it?" He questions, this time he is sure he isn't imagining her squirm because she turns back around and puts her back to him before answering.

"No, of course not. It was just a way to distract that guy."

He steps up behind her and puts himself so close to her he can feel the heat her body generates, giving her the opportunity to lean back into him, if she chooses to do so.

"You know what I think, Detective Beckett?" He questions.

She grabs a marker and uncaps it, her hand poised to write something on the board.

"No. I really don't." It's breathless. He reaches out and grabs her hand, and she drops the marker.

"I think, you're a horrible liar." He steps forward the rest of the way and presses himself into her back. "I think, you want to do it again."

"Rick. Stop." She murmurs softly.

"I'm tired of stopping, Kate." He whispers next to her ear, his breath disturbing a strand of hair. He watches it tickle her cheek. "Let go."

She spins around, brings her hands to his head and pulls his mouth to hers.

It's better than he remembers it.

He stumbles backward into her desk as his hands fumble over her body, not satisfied with any one location. Her fingers dig into his scalp—burrowing—in constant motion, as her tongue slides past his lips. He catches her bottom lip, nips at it lightly.

And then, before he really has time to prove to her just what he's feeling, she pulls back and wipes the back of her hand across her kiss swollen lips.

"See. Nothing." She says, her breath coming in pants. Her hair is mussed adorably and her shirt has ridden up from where his hands explored her skin. She is, in fact, the very picture of unconvincing.

"No, I think that was too fast to really tell anything. We better try it again." He smiles suggestively.

"No, Castle. I mean it." She says as he advances on her again and she backs away, her back hitting the murder board as his hands land on it, pinning her in. Though he knows how easily she could escape, the damn board is on wheels after all.

He grins when she doesn't even try. Like maybe she secretly wants this. Wants him to keep forcing the issue and making her face it.

"This is important. We need to be absolutely certain." He whispers against her lips, as his hands slide across the board and land on her shoulders then journey up to cup her face. She lets him kiss her softly, hesitantly, then responds gently. Slowly savoring every touch. Like he has found the definition of infinity in the way she sucks so lightly at his bottom lip, eternity in one kiss.

Her hands travel around his back and pull him closer.

That's when he hears it. That sound that has been haunting him from their first kiss.

His hands leave her face and wrap around her waist, they jerk her to him roughly in response.

Then she's pushing away again.

"What if we're looking at the wrong brother?" She blurts out.

It takes him a moment to come back to his senses.

"But Everett alibis out. Doesn't he?" He asks as she turns around to look at the murder board again.

"Does he? He wasn't there for the robbery, but..." Her voice trails off as she looks over her shoulder at him with a smile.

"If Kelly was murdered elsewhere, like right next door to the bakery that Everett works at, then his hour long lunch break would be more than enough time to dispose of his problem and hide the body." He continues for her, knowing where she is going with it. His mind suddenly back in the case, focused now that he has a little more resolution.

"...Until Bobby who was cleared for time of death could move it back to her place and stage it like an accident." She steps back next to him as he stares at the murder board with him.

"And sticky fingered Bobby couldn't pass up the opportunity to profit a little from his brother's mishap. We need to find the murder scene." He finishes.

"It's worth checking out." She smiles as she bends over and picks up the marker she dropped earlier. "Fix that." She says as she holds the marker out to him and points to the board where his hands have wiped part of the information away in his earlier passion.

"We should brainstorm like that more often. It seems every effective." He smiles as he steps up to the board and tries to fill in the missing information, wiping clean some of the words and starting again from scratch. Filling in some of the letters and finishing others.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She smirks, grabbing her coat from the back of her chair and throwing it on. "And hurry up with that. We've got a lead."

They haven't really resolved anything, he thinks as he grabs his coat to follow her. But hell if he cares, not as long as they keep unresolving things like that.


	3. Prod

  
**_Nobody knows it / But you've got a secret smile / And you use it only for me_**  
Secret Smile - Semisonic

It doesn't happen again for awhile.

Every once in awhile he gives her that secret little smirk and she pretends not to know what he is trying to get at. She likes that he lets her lead. After everything, she needs to take the lead in this. She doesn't need him getting it in his head that their kisses meant anything more than they do.

Though, she's not exactly sure what they mean. The first two were easy enough to rule out, but that night at the precinct isn't so easy. She tries not to think about it, and she hasn't told Josh about them. Even though she knows that if the first kisses weren't cheating, those second ones were definitely on the border.

Maybe that's why she doesn't tell him.

It doesn't matter; he's busy with work and not around much, anyway. He hasn't spent the night since before Africa and she hasn't stopped by at his place either.

The case they are working now is particularly gruesome. A girl, barely legal, found in a dumpster. No breakthroughs on her identity and brutally assaulted before her death. There wasn't anything odd or out of the ordinary with it, as far as murders went, anyway. But something about it gets to her and keeps her awake at night.

Maybe it's the not knowing. Who is she? Who is missing her? Why did she end up the way she did? What dreams would she never see come true? She was barely old enough to start living.

Josh is at the hospital again, otherwise she would go to his place and he would make her forget it. That's how she justifies herself as she stops by Hung's to grab some takeout. For two. His favorites and hers. Though he always wants to pick the good stuff out of hers as well; she's always swatting his hands away from her food like he's some two year old who can't keep them to himself.

She tells herself that this is work related. That she is going to brainstorm and see if Castle has any dumb ideas. Though she knows she could pick up the phone and ask him what he thinks, she doesn't think seeing him, sharing dinner with him, is a bad idea. They are friends. Partners. There is nothing wrong with her actions.

That doesn't explain the little nervous flutter in her stomach as she knocks on his door. The fact that he gives her that smirk as he steps aside and tells her to come in, doesn't mean anything either.

"To what do I owe this?" He asks as he takes a bag of food from her hand and sniffs at its contents. "Not that I'm complaining."

"Where's Alexis?" She asks instead of answering, looking around his apartment as if she's searching for his family. It's perfectly safe here, he won't try anything with his mother and daughter around. She chides herself for even thinking anything was a possibility.

Maybe that's why she stopped by in the first place. Spending time with him is dangerous, she knows that. Knows it's even more dangerous when he looks so inviting, all casual and cozy in a tee shirt and jeans. The sudden urge to step into his space and see if he smells as good as he looks flits through her brain and she shakes her head to clear it.

"Out with Ashley. And before you ask, my mother is also out for the evening. It's just us."

Shit.

"Oh." It comes out with a little more surprise than she intends and her eyes flit back to the door as if she's plotting her escape. If she was smart, she would escape before anything else happened.

What was she doing here? It was a stupid, stupid idea.

"Come on. Let's eat in the other room. We can talk about the case. That is why you're here, right?" He gives her an out.

That isn't why she came.

She knows why she came, even if she doesn't want to admit it.

She hadn't even thought about his family until she stepped into the apartment and realized they were missing. She wanted to be alone with him. She wanted to test her limits.

She wants to kiss him again.

He puts his hand on the small of her back and ushers her to his couch. She sits and watches him unload the food on his coffee table.

He has nice hands, she thinks, as she wonders how they would feel on her skin. Wonders why she never noticed them before. Strong fingers wrapped around takeout containers.

Her eyes drift up his arms, and she can't fault him there either.

"Are you ok?" He asks her after a moment. She nods, shaking her head clear of the lustful thoughts that seemed to accompany his presence every waking moment now.

"Yeah, just thinking."

He sits next to her on the couch, too close. She doesn't object, just lets her body bump and brush with his as she reaches for a carton.

"About the case?" He questions as she picks at her food with her chopsticks. He leans over and grabs a mushroom from her food with his chopsticks, giving her a sheepish smile.

"Yeah, something like that." She rolls her eyes.

"I'm glad you came." He says after a moment of silence. "We haven't really had any time alone since... well in awhile."

She knows that. It's intentional. He knows that as well, even if he won't admit it.

"Yeah... so you got any stupid ideas?" She asks brushing him off.

"Yeah." He pauses and sets his food on the coffee table. "But they've got nothing to do with the case."

She meets his eyes and feels like prey.

His hand wraps around hers where it holds her food. She lets him pry the carton loose with his free hand and watches as he sets it next to his on the table. Her eyes dart down to their hands, his fingers somehow twined with hers and resting on her thigh.

When did that happen?

His free hand catches her chin and pulls her eyes back up to his.

Warning bells ring loudly as he descends on her lips slowly. He's giving her plenty of time to back out, but she doesn't want to. She's been aching for this kind of contact with him for weeks.

In the back of her mind she should know better. Should know that she isn't the kind of woman to cheat. But what's a harmless kiss here and there. She hasn't decided to break up with Josh, but she isn't exactly close to him right now either. Is it cheating if she isn't really seeing either of them?

She closes her eyes and holds her breath.

It's all about anticipation. This kiss.

He's slow and gentle but teasing and steamy. His tongue tracing the corners of her mouth in a hypnotic dance as his hands slide over her arms and around her waist, pulling her onto his lap.

About promise. Just a peek of how good it could be.

She exhales loudly as she settles, straddling his lap. His hands slipping under her shirt, fingers tracing patterns on her skin. Across her stomach, up her back, but steering clear of anything too high or too low. Her hands cradle his face as she returns his kiss. Her tongue slow and steady against his.

He wants her. She can feel his desire in every move. Feels it pressed intimately against her.

"We can't do this." She whispers as she breaks away, then returns to him.

"We're just 'brainstorming.'" He whispers back then nibbles gently on her neck.

"It can't go any farther." She objects, though she knows she's completely at his mercy. Knows that if he wanted to, he could have her right now on his couch. She has no control when it comes to the feelings he stirs in her.

Such a glaring difference from what she has with Josh.

Even thoughts of her boyfriend can't pull her away from his seeking lips, so she squeezes her eyes closed and kisses his cheek, traveling across his face with her lips.

"It won't go anywhere you don't want it to go." He promises, his words whispered in her ear as he catches her earlobe between his teeth.

That's the problem. Right now, she wants it to go a lot farther. But she knows that tomorrow she'll feel differently. She knows how stupid it is to get involved with your partner. Knows how bad it would be if Rick broke her heart.

She can't get invested.

"Dad, I'm home." Alexis calls as the door opens.

"You're early." He calls back as Kate darts off his lap and her hands fly over her shirt and hair, silently putting herself back in place.

"Ashley wasn't feeling well." Alexis says as she walks into the room. "Oh, hi Detective Beckett."

"Hey." She answers, it comes out a little choked but Alexis doesn't seem to notice. "Oh, you want some food, there's plenty?" She adds when she notices Alexis' eyes assessing the scene.

"No thanks, Ashley and I ate already." She smiles sweetly then turns to her father. "I'm gonna head upstairs and do some studying."

"You're no fun. Stay, we'll watch a movie or something." Rick offers.

She should probably go and let them bond. She doesn't belong here. She should be at home, waiting for Josh to text or call.

"No, that's ok. I'm sure you two are busy working on a case and I have a test on Monday."

"No, I was just on my way out anyway." She says as she stands.

He stands next to her; she can tell he doesn't like the idea, but he can't object with Alexis standing there without sounding like there is something more going on.

"It was nice to see you. Have a good night." Alexis says sweetly as she leaves them alone to say their goodbyes.

"You don't have to go." He murmurs. "You just got here."

"I do have to go. I shouldn't have come in the first place." She objects as he places his hands on her waist and leans in closer.

"Don't." She warns and places her hands on his forearms, caught between pushing him away and holding him close.

"I don't care why you came. I don't care if you should or shouldn't have come. Just stay a little while. I'll be good." He whispers, pleading with her.

"What if _I_ don't want to be good?" She asks.

He smiles.

"I can work with that too."

"Not with your daughter here."

"We can go back to your place." He leers and she pushes him away.

"So my boyfriend can come home to that?" She arches an eyebrow and gestures to the couch. "No thanks."

"You really don't trust me to behave, do you?" He teases as she starts toward his door.

She steps back up to him and places her finger against his chest, poking him to emphasis her point.

"It's not you I don't trust. Besides, Josh knows we kissed. I don't think he would be comfortable coming by and finding us alone together."

"You told him about what happened at the precinct?" He's surprised, if not a little stupid.

"No!" Her voice is sharp and comes out in a hiss. "I'm not stupid. I told him about the first kiss. The ruse to get to the guys. Remember? We talked about this... before." She clears her throat at the memories of what that conversation had led to. Like she would ever tell him how she made out with Rick at the precinct. Like she'll ever tell him about how she came to his place and made out with him some more. This was turning into a theme with them. She was really going to have to stop that.

Rick smirks and she rolls her eyes. She knows he remembers very clearly what happened that day.

"Can I ask you something?" He asks after a moment. She nods so he continues. "Why are you still with him?"

It's a good question, one she doesn't really know the answer too. Maybe she hopes that this thing between them is just a phase she'll grow out of. Just some stupid thing she has to work out of her system. Maybe she's just not ready.

"It's none of your business. Call me if you have any stupid ideas..." She says as she opens his front door. "...about the case." She clarifies as she closes the door before he can object.

She gets halfway to her car before her stomach gurgles in protest and she remembers that she left her dinner on his coffee table.

She knows that if she turns around and goes back up to his place, not only will she look stupid, but it's likely she'll just get into more trouble.

So she grabs a burger on the way back to her place. It tastes like disappointment, betrayal, and guilt.

Josh texts her before she turns in for the night. A short message about how he loves her and misses her.

Her stomach turns and she wants to blame the burger, but she knows better.


	4. Poke

  
_**The planets bend between us / A hundred million suns and stars**_  
The Planets Bend Between Us - Snow Patrol

He thinks she's amazing at turning it on and off. Like she has some kind of switch that makes her immune. Because it's been weeks and she hasn't come on to him again.

He tells himself that it's probably for the best. She is still with Josh, and he doesn't like the idea of her sneaking around on the good doc anymore than does. She isn't that kind of woman, and he feels awful about tempting her to be.

Not that he seems to be all that tempting however.

Despite his efforts at not pushing, he still finds himself standing too close and touching too much. And whenever they are alone the desire rises to dangerous levels again, and again he finds himself wishing she'd break. Just a kiss or two to diffuse the situation.

He knows he can't sit on both sides of the fence, either he wants her to cheat on Josh or he honors her decision not to. Even if he's not sure she's even made a decision not to. He can't read her when it comes to this, she runs to all over the map. A raging inferno one minute then frozen over the next, he never knows just where she is going to land. Though if the past two weeks have been any kind of indication, it's looking like sweater weather between them.

"Look, we can talk about it tomorrow... Yeah, I know... I'm sorry... I can't do anything about it..."

She's speaking in a harsh whisper, her back to the buzz in the precinct, her eyes watching to make sure no one catches her. He stands in the break room doorway, her back to him. When she angles her head to check his direction he steps back into the room to hide.

He knows he shouldn't be spying on her. That she would kill him if she found out. Not only kill, but probably verbally maim and dismember as well. But he knows who is on the phone.

Dr. Motorcycle Boy.

And he can tell they are fighting.

She's not big on sharing, and he has no idea how things are in happy couple land. So he stoops to lurking in doorways and eavesdropping on her private conversations.

"It isn't about that at all... I told you... nothing."

"Hey Castle, whatcha doing?" Ryan asks as he comes into the break room from the opposite door and heads over to grab more coffee.

"Nothing." He jumps back as if the door frame burned him, resting casually against the counter instead, his hands behind his back. The last thing he needs is for one of the boys to tell her he was listening.

"What were you looking at?" Ryan asks again, his eyebrow raised as he steps over to where Castle stands and cranes his neck out the door.

"I wasn't looking at anything. Just thinking. Hey, do you think that Jacobson is our guy?" He tries to distract the younger man.

Ryan pulls his head back in and gives Castle a funny look, like he can't decide if the author has finally lost it.

"Captain does. Beckett thinks it's possible. Why, I thought you'd want to go sit in a dark parked car with your muse?" He teases as he takes a sip of coffee, his expression asking for confirmation.

"For the last time, nothing happened between us."

"Mmmhmmm. Sure."

"You ready, Castle?" Beckett sticks her head into the break room next to him and asks. He jumps in surprise and she laughs at him.

"Yeah. Let's get out of here." He's tired of getting crap about the two of them, but none of the benefits.

"Enjoy yourselves!" Ryan calls out after them.

They end up taking a van. He isn't exactly sure on why, and he doesn't really care, though he knows she has explained it to him—something about the high profile case and being relieved later, something about it affording them room for extra man power and better monitoring. All he sees is that there is a lot more space to get into trouble in. A table to push her up against, chairs to sit on with a lot more space to maneuver. Hell, even the floor looked good.

He blames her.

For fighting with the good doctor. For giving him the cold shoulder. For making out on his couch—which wasn't even her last little game.

No, her last game nearly killed him.

It was a day or two after their encounter on his couch. They were working a case with a drug dealer and a lottery winner. They ended up at a club, undercover. She enjoyed pushing the limits, with her short dress, hugging all those damn curves his hands wanted to run over. With her bedroom eyes, almost begging him to push her against the bar and dance with her in a more intimate fashion. The result of that night had been numerous cold showers and a haunting look at just how well her body could move. It had tormented him for the two long weeks of her sudden cold front.

Even thinking about it now is causing a physical reaction. It doesn't help that she sits within arms reach, twirling that damn piece of her hair while totally engrossed in a file.

He groans and pushes his chair back a few inches.

"What?" She asks, looking up annoyed.

"Cut it out." He warns and she smirks.

"I'm not doing anything. What's your problem?"

Oh, she knows. He can tell by the somewhat delightfully evil glint in her eyes and the way she angles her chair to face him, leaning back and crossing her legs as she stretches. Her hands traveling far above her head, her shirt riding up just a little.

"You know. So cut it out."

She laughs and turns back around to the monitor in front of her.

He wants to ask her about Josh. Wants to break the rules and push his limits.

"So..." He hesitates and she turns her head to face him, waiting for him to finish but he never continues.

"So?" She questions.

"Oh, uh..." Her fingers are long and slim where they lay across the file folder, he tries to focus on her hands instead of how she smells, or the way her hair falls lightly over her shoulder—how it brushes her neck and how it would tickle his nose if he leaned in and whispered in her ear.

But focusing on her hands is a mistake as well, he knows she has a firm grip. Knows how they would cling and tug at him. Can't help but picture them wrapped around...

"Focus, Castle." She snaps and he blinks.

"Damn it, Becks. You know I can't."

She can't either, but that is something she isn't going to share with him.

"I can't help it that you have the attention span of two year old on a sugar rush." She teases. He scoots his chair right up next to her and leans in.

"I think you can." He whispers. "I think you want to. Help me with something, that is." She shivers as his breath tickles her neck.

"I think you're delusional." She whispers back in that throaty purr he can't get enough of. Then she puts her hand on the arm of his chair and gives it a good shove. It slides away easily, the wheels of the chair loud in the otherwise quiet compartment.

She's fighting with Josh. She told him she's not ready to move in together and he can't drop it. She's not sure she's ever going to be ready for that—not with Josh. They've been avoiding it, since he got back and the last two weeks have been littered with all kinds of pokes and prods about her answering him. It's been eating her up. She knows what her biggest reason for not wanting to move in with him is.

It's... She glances over at Rick and turns away quickly to hide a smile. Her biggest reason is spinning around in circles like a kid.

Castle sighs and continues to rotate his chair in circles, trying to work off the sexual frustration being so close and not allowed to touch is causing.

"Cut it out, Castle." She says after a moment. She really wants to forget the whole mess with Josh and spend some quality time exploring the inside of Rick's mouth.

She shakes her head to clear the thought.

She should be focusing on the case.

Why does that get exponentially harder the longer she goes without touching him?

Maybe if she just steals a quick little peck that will clear her mind.

"What else am I supposed to do?" He shoots off and she can hear their mutual frustration in his tone.

"I don't know. Watch the monitors? You know, pretend to work on the case. Why did you even come if you didn't want to be here?" She snaps back.

"Because." He pushes off the ground and sends his chair toward her, bracing his feet against the ground at the last second and stopping the chair just before it crashes into hers. "I want to be..." His hands come down on the arms of her chair and he spins it to face him, then closes the distance between their chairs completely. His legs straddle hers, his arms on either side of her. "...here." He whispers.

"This is a bad idea." She warns as she leans closer. His hands leave her chair and land on her wrists, he guides her hands to his shoulders as he leans in, scooting to the edge of his chair.

"Doesn't feel bad." He objects, letting go of her wrists and brushing a hand through her hair as his other lands on her waist and tugs her to the edge of her chair.

And maybe that's the problem. It doesn't feel bad to her. It feels exciting, dangerous even. It feels...

Well, it feels like something. It hasn't felt with Josh in ages.

His fingers play along the nape of her neck as he coaxes her closer.

"It never does." She whispers across his lips.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to play with fire, Detective Beckett?" He teases as he captures her bottom lip between his teeth. Running his tongue along its length, then letting it slip from his mouth.

"I haven't been." She murmurs, then traces her tongue along the corner of his mouth, pulling his top lip into her mouth for a just a second.

"Short black dress. Night club. 'Get us some drinks.' Ring any bells?" He asks then nips at her neck.

"Work related, Mr. Wandering Hands. What about..." She pauses to slide her hands down his chest and around his waist, tilting her head to give him better access to her neck. "...Tuesday. Bumping into me in the elevator. Running your hands around my waist and under my shirt to 'help me catch my balance.' Or yesterday..."

He pulls away with a look of confusion.

"What did I do yesterday?"

Smiling she brings her hands back to his shoulders and carefully stands.

"Your hand." She grabs his right hand and places it on her waist. "On my knee." She grabs his other hand and places it on her waist as well. "In the middle of the precinct." Returning her hands to his shoulders she lifts a knee and sets it carefully along his thigh. "In the middle of the day."

He tugs her down into his lap.

"Oops?" He smirks as she pulls her other leg up.

"You're lucky no one caught you, or I wouldn't be sitting here now."

"Noted."

"It better be."

"It won't happen again..." He smirks then leans back in to whisper against her lips. "...at work."

He kisses her, she lets him. Enjoys the lazy way he toys with her tongue, tasting her with each twirl.

"We're at work." She murmurs between kisses. She knows this is the last thing she should be doing on a stakeout.

"Doesn't count." He objects, his hands sliding under her shirt and up her back.

"Why not?" She questions, her lips moving across his jaw to his ear. The last place she should be is on his lap with her tongue in his mouth. She's a good detective, she doesn't let herself get distracted from the job by her personal life. But the rebel in her makes a good argument for staying right where she is, and his hands aren't helping.

He brings one hand around to her stomach, traces it up her side and cups her breast.

She whimpers as he squeezes lightly, her eyes closed tight as his lips travel back up her neck to her mouth.

"Does it?" He questions again with a smile. Her fingers tighten against his shoulders as she shakes her head.

"No." She almost groans before sealing her lips to his again. There is something to be said about breaking her rules with him. Something dangerous and sexy about the risk. Just for now, just for a little while. Besides there's a black and white on the other side of the building, she justifies.

Her fingers run through his hair as he unbuttons her shirt and kisses his way back down her neck. His lips hot against her skin.

She is rocking against him as he nips at the skin between her breasts when her cell rings and reality rushes back. She almost falls off his lap in surprise at the sound, but his hands around her waist keep her in place.

"Shit." She swears.

Releasing her hold on his head, her fingers fly to her shirt and quickly start re-buttoning it. He growls in protest, his fingers digging into the skin of her back as he tries to pull her back.

"Castle!" She warns and he sits up dejected. Her cell trills impatiently and she fishes it out of a pocket and answers it with one hand as he returns to sucking on her neck. She puts a hand against his forehead and pushes him away.

"Beckett."

He pouts but obeys her unvoiced request. Instead he starts on the buttons she gave up on. Grinning suspiciously as he gets to the one between her breasts, his fingers stopping. She raises an eyebrow at his actions but continues her conversation on the phone.

"No, Sir. Nothing yet." Her eyes flicker to the monitor beside them and a door opens on the screen. "I take that back, something is happening. Let me call you back."

Castle's eyes join hers, focused on the monitor as his hands still cling to her shirt.

It's nothing important, but she takes the time to watch as a building maintenance worker exits.

"You gonna call him back?" Rick questions tugging on her shirt to get her attention.

"In a minute." She answers, her hands landing on his and prying them off of her shirt.

"Wait, I wasn't finished." He teases with a nod toward her chest.

She has a sinking sensation, and thinks she knows exactly what he means. Looking down she sees it clearly, a dark mark forming on the inside of her breast.

"Castle! What the hell?" She objects as she climbs off of him and finishes doing up her shirt.

"What?" He grins, like the cat that ate the damn canary.

"What? Oh, I don't know. What the hell is Josh going to say to that?" She demands.

"Don't show him." He spits out standing in front of her. "Why are you even still with him?"

"It's none of your business."

Except it is, and she knows it. She also knows there is no risk of Josh finding Rick's mark on her. But he didn't know that when he left it. All smug and satisfied that he had marked her.

"Fine." He turns around and pushes his chair to the other side of the van, then sits in it.

"Fine." She sits in hers, mirroring his attitude.

They don't talk until he mumbles an apology a few hours later. She forgives him instantly and he slides back over to her.

They don't talk about it after that. Ryan and Esposito arrive shortly after and life goes on much as it did before.

The only difference being that when she goes home, she calls Josh and tells him they need to talk.


	5. Dig

  
**_Feeling guilty, worried, waking from tormented sleep. / This old love has me bound, but the new love cuts deep._**  
The Weakness In Me - Joan Armatrading

When she wakes, it hits her just how stupid her actions of the day before were.

She's out of control; and as she sits up in bed the next morning, she can't help but feel a little disgusted that she can't forget the way his lips felt pressed against the soft swell of her breast. Her fingertips tracing the mark through the cotton of her sleep shirt; she knows she can't keep doing this, but she is uncertain on how to stop it.

She can't be with Josh but she also can't be with Rick; that much is clear. Distraction can be death in her line of work and Castle is nothing but a distraction. He pulled her attention off of the case for a selfish moment of gratification, it can't happen again.

She doesn't trust that it won't.

And there is no guarantee that even though things worked out alright this time, it will happen that way in the future. She can't stop asking herself those questions. What if their suspect had gotten away because she was to busy sticking her tongue in Rick's mouth to notice? What if someone else died because she was too busy grinding against him to do her job? It makes her stomach turn, thinking about all the things that could have gone wrong. All of those rules she made for herself and how easily he convinces her to break them.

How part of her—the part of her that has always pushed the limits—gets a secret little kick out of breaking those rules.

But none of that matters. If she can't sort her personal life out, she sure as hell knows that what she did on duty with her partner is definitely something she can't afford to repeat. No matter how enjoyable it was. It wasn't professional. And it isn't who she is.

Swinging her feet to the side of her bed, she stands and stretches, her eyes catching her phone where it charges on the table beside the bed.

When she called Josh the night before she didn't give him any details, just informed him that she was ready to talk about things. She wanted to break up with him last night, now she's not so sure. It isn't fair to him, but part of her wants him to talk her into staying. Though it hasn't stopped her from locking lips with her attractive partner before, she still wants to have that safety net to fall into.

She's afraid that if she doesn't have it, then it will be that much easier to give into Rick's desire... hell, her own desire. She doesn't know why that bothers her. The notion of sleeping with him isn't a new one. It's a very real urge she has had to suppress for quite some time. But acting on it isn't something she ever thought would become a reality. Not after Gina and the Hamptons.

But she can't use Josh like that anymore. It isn't right that she dodges his calls and texts so she doesn't have to pretend to enjoy kissing him the same way she did before. He was never there for her before she kissed Castle. And though he wants to share a place with her, she knows that isn't likely to change. She has put up a wall to keep him out. She can't be serious with him and fool around with Rick. So she's pulled away.

It seems the more she pulls away from Josh, the more he calls. The more he notices.

She picks up her phone and unplugs it. Sure enough there is a text waiting for her from him.

_Morning, Sexy. Miss you. Can't wait to see you tonight._

He thinks she's going to tell him yes. She can't say she blames him. She hasn't really given him any indication that she isn't really in it anymore. Instead she's been giving him excuse after excuse about this case or that case. It isn't unusual for her to cancel on him for work, just as it isn't unusual for him to do the same. When she's with him, things are the same as they've always been. Well... not quite.

The other day he wanted to stay the night and she kicked him out. Told him some bullshit story about switching birth control and not having anything else on hand. Added that she was tired and had an early day. Promised to make up for it.

He had left agreeing to her terms though he hadn't been all that happy about it. So when she had called him from the precinct the day before to cancel their makeup date, he had nearly gone off on her.

Thinking back on it, she thinks that there have been signs. Lots of little breadcrumbs for him to pick up along the way. All of them telling him that her desire for discussion isn't a good thing. But Josh is optimistic and hopeful. He cares about her and them, so it's no surprise that he wants to jump to a conclusion that ends on a happier note. Or maybe he just wants to delay what has been inevitable from the moment Castle walked back into her life.

Her phone vibrates in her hand and she looks down to see Castle's name pop up on her screen.

She hesitates.

It rings in her hand until it goes to voice mail and she sets it back down on the table and makes her way to the shower.

She can't deal with him too, not when she already feels guilty for what they've done and what she's about to do. She doesn't know how to tell Josh that he would have had a shot. That he probably should have had a better shot. They cheated him out of it. She is sure Josh would never entertain the idea of fooling around behind her back, but that didn't stop her from giving in to temptation.

Maybe she started seeing him too soon after Castle's departure. Maybe she never should have let Castle back into her life. None of it really mattered, because regardless of what happened she still ends up here. Washing yesterday's grime down the drain with Castle's mark on her body and her skin aching for more of the like. She still ends up being the one who has to break someone's heart.

She isn't really okay with that.

Josh picked her back up when Castle left. He gave her a reason to smile and to move on. And this is how she thanks him. By acting like a teenage girl who can't control her own body. By cheating, and hiding, and using all manner of excuses.

It makes her feel worthless. Like a horrible, lying...

She closes her eyes and lets the water trickle over her. It's too hot but she doesn't adjust the temperature. No matter how hard she scrubs the soap over her skin, she doesn't feel clean.

She doesn't know if she'll tell him about Castle, but she thinks the only way for her to feel better about leaving is by letting him know. It isn't really his fault, it's hers and though she isn't anxious to air her dirty laundry, she thinks maybe she doesn't have a choice. Or she did have a choice, she just made it the moment she let Castle believe it was okay to kiss her again.

When she goes back to her room, towel wrapped around her, she sits on the bed and picks up her phone. Castle left her a voice mail. She's not sure she can listen to him without feeling even worse about what they did, but part of her is anxious to hear his voice.

She stares at the phone, and when it vibrates again it makes her jump. This time it's someone she isn't hiding from (though she doesn't really want to believe she's hiding from either man, even if it's true), Ryan, and she knows he has a reason for calling so she answers.

What he has is the breakthrough they were looking for and the case is wrapped up quickly enough, though it's around eight that night when she finally leaves the precinct.

"Beckett. Wait up!" Castle calls after her as she hurries to the elevator. She has managed to avoid any awkward moments where he would have had an opportunity to address their actions of the night before, and she isn't eager to create one now.

Pretending not to hear him, she steps quickly into the elevator and reaches for the button to close the doors. His hand comes down and grabs them; keeping them from closing, as he steps in.

"What's going on?" He asks as the doors close.

She shrugs it off and he nods like he doesn't believe her.

"Right, and you've been avoiding me because?"

"I'm not." She denies, looking anywhere but at him.

"Alright then, what's your answer?"

She knows he didn't ask a question; so she turns to him, and gives him a quizzical look.

"To the question I called to ask you this morning? You know, when you didn't answer."

She should have known that would come back to bite her. In truth, she had forgotten about his call when Ryan interrupted her early morning musings.

"I was in the shower and then Ryan called; things have been crazy since. What did you ask?" She plays dumb. Like she wasn't intentionally avoiding him. He knows her better and she doesn't know why she thinks he will believe her, especially after the cold shoulder she's been giving him all day. But she can't have this conversation then run off to meet Josh and break his heart.

"I just... You know what, it isn't important. You want to get some dinner?" He leans in and she steps away.

"No thanks, I'm meeting Josh."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

She can tell he's miserable. She feels like a bitch for misleading him, but she needs him to back off.

The doors of the elevator open and he turns to her.

"See you tomorrow then."

"Yeah."

He leaves her looking dejected; and she pulls her phone from her pocket as the elevator doors close again.

"Good Morning, Detective. I just wanted to call and tell you I was sorry for how things went down last night. You were right, I shouldn't have... well, you know. It's just that when I'm with you I forget things like the fact that you're with another man. Anyway, I'll behave... I just... never mind. I'll see you later anyway. Maybe we can talk about it over dinner?"

She listens as he rambles on uncomfortably for a bit; making her smile as the machine cuts him. Reality sets back in quickly however, as her phone goes off in her hand and it's Josh.

"I was just about to call you." She lies.

***

They meet at a quaint little diner. It's not really his speed, but he accepts that it's something she likes. He's always been good at that, which just makes her feel worse.

"I'm sorry."

She starts out halfway into her mashed potatoes and gravy.

"I know. I guess I've known for awhile."

"It's me. I just..." She sighs and looks away, her fork pushing her food around her plate. Her mind chasing her thoughts around and trying to capture the right words.

"He came back. I get it. I guess I just hoped that you would choose me over him."

She drops her fork.

"I'm not choosing him either. It's not fair to what we had. I messed up, and I'm sorry."

He looks at her for a minute before responding.

"Will that make you happy? Pretending that you don't care about him? Does that somehow make what you did, or didn't do better?"

"No. But I feel awful about it."

He places his hand on top of hers.

"Cheating always makes you feel like shit, and I wish I could be a bigger man and say I was sorry you felt that way, but I can't. I love you. I have from the beginning. If you asked me to forgive you, I would. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard and I wouldn't insist you stop working with him, but Kate I would do it."

She pulls her hand free. She knows he would. Knows that he would welcome her back with open arms, but that she would never be happy with him if it cost her Castle's friendship too.

"I can't ask you to do that." She smiles sadly and he nods and looks out the window for a moment.

"I didn't think you would. Though I can't say I wasn't hoping to be wrong."

"If we had met at another time..." She offers softly.

"No, it never would have worked. You aren't in love with me."

"I thought I was. I thought I could be."

He turns to face her again, runs a finger down her cheek and gives her that look that she used to love. So intense, like he was looking into her soul. Now it just makes her squirm. He breaks eye contact and pulls his wallet out, drops some cash on the table.

"I think I should go."

"Don't." She picks up the cash and holds it out to him. "It's the least I can do."

He shrugs it off as he stands.

"If you ever want... Well, you have my number."

She doesn't cry when he leaves, though part of her wants to. Letting him walk away was somewhat like accepting defeat in her internal struggle to stay strong against herself. Not at all rewarding or as comforting as she had hoped finally cutting that tie would be.

She can't help but see the hurt in his eyes over and over again. Like she stabbed him in the back, but he loved her anyway. If it's possible, she thinks maybe she feels worse now that it's all said and done.

Her fingers close around the cash he left as her hand drops back down to the table. It isn't until the restaurant is about to close that she loosens her grip and lets it fall free of her grasp.

She might not be in love with him, but there was a time when she thought he could be the one. They had been together for almost ten months. Losing him hurts more than she had anticipated, even if she does have feelings for another man.

She walks home slowly, her decision made by the time she reaches her place.

She won't tell Castle, not yet. She doesn't want to explain to him why she can't jump into a relationship with him. Why her heart just isn't in it. She doesn't want him to feel any worse than he does.

This is her burden to bear, her guilt and her shame. And it has nothing to do with how she feels about him.


	6. Stab

  
**_It's not too late to walk in my direction / When honey, everything you'll need 's in your reflection / Who's gonna walk you home / And who's gonna hold your hand / When you're heavy like a stone / And there's trouble where you stand / No, I won't tell your heart where to go / Or make it feel something it won't / You could rearrange the stars / And make them all your own / But you can't fall in love alone_**  
Love Alone - Thriving Ivory

She isn't herself, instead she's unreachable; removed from the situation. Though he doesn't really blame her, he knows just what goes through her mind the next day and the day after. What they did—have been doing—is taking a toll on her.

He thinks maybe she has made her choice. That perhaps their encounter on the job was the last straw. Maybe it's something she can't get over. Or maybe she just realizes that they can't keep playing with fire and expecting not to deal with the burnt consequences.

But he misses her. He misses the way she tastes, the soft sounds of her pressed against him, and the endlessness of her eyes.

Thing slowly shift back to how they have always been. Her banter returns. Her teasing smile and the competition to beat him to the killer, all of it flourishes in the odd in between. It's what he calls these quiet spells. Because even he can tell that as she spends time with him again the distance between them grows smaller. Their connection binds them. Elastic in nature, it always snaps back when she pulls too far. One of them would have to cut the tie completely to ever be free.

He hopes that day never has to come.

"Wait a minute, he called for help? You're kidding me." Ryan says as Castle walks up and joins the two detectives at their desk.

She isn't in yet, it isn't often he beats her in but it happens sometimes. Especially when she stays over with Josh. He wishes he could bleach the thought from his mind entirely. There should be a law about her clothing and it remaining on unless he is present. Thinking about why he usually beats her in is like drinking sour milk, both leave an awful taste in his mouth and his stomach feeling a bit off.

"Nope, word is he called from the bathroom." Esposito smirks.

Castle shoots him a strange look as he sets Beckett's coffee on her desk and the paper bag with their breakfast next to it, trying to figure out what they are talking about.

"What did he think she was going to do? Scream him to death?" Ryan chuckles.

"No clue, but he's not the only one to do it." Esposito offers as he leans back in his chair.

"Who's not the only one?" Castle asks, giving into his curiosity.

"Just some idiot, broke into a woman's apartment then got caught when she got home. She called the cops and apparently he locked himself in the bathroom and called the cops for help too." Ryan offers as he turns to greet the author.

"Not the brightest crayon. Please tell me there were mitigating circumstances, like she had a gun or a pitbull." She walks up as Castle speaks, his eyes follow her as she picks up her coffee. He swears she bites back a smile at the gesture.

He doesn't bother to hide his grin.

"Nope." Ryan's eyes follow Rick's, she notices. She also can't miss the way his head shakes back and forth and his eyes roll a little when Rick grins like a lovesick fool. She's grateful that he is smart enough not to comment on it. She knows that Rick gets all kinds of garbage from the other two detectives about 'them,' and is glad that they know better than to ask her. It's really no wonder they give him crap, he is so transparent. She hates the idea that she might have to talk to him about that.

They aren't together, and if he wants to continue with whatever they are doing, then he can't give them away with his stupid grins and longing looks.

"Drugs." She breaks into the conversation, already versed on the situation. "He was so doped up he was probably hiding from his own shadow too. In fact that's what he was looking for when she came home." She offers.

"Well, Good morning Detective." He beams, then questions her statement. "He was looking for his shadow?"

She rolls her eyes and resists the urge to whack him upside the head. She knows he knows what she means. She can also see that he wants something, his big eyes and huge grin give him away.

"Good morning, Castle. What is it that you want?" She questions, unimpressed.

He wonders how she always knows. There are a multitude of things he wants from her, but the biggest thing he wants is to know what is going on with them. He wants her secrets. He wants her truth and will even settle for some of her lies, if it means he can kiss her again.

He has an interesting scenario with the two of them in the elevator, too. And he really wants to know if that has the possibility of becoming reality.

But he knows he can't ask her to talk to him in the middle of the precinct.

"Nothing. Why do you think I want something?" He plays dumb instead.

"Ok. What did you do?" She switches tactics. It's entirely possible he needs her to bail him out of some kind of jam that only he could find himself in, that would also produce his sugary sweet tone of voice.

"I'm hurt." He mocks a gasp and presses a hand to his chest.

"And I'm not stupid." She rolls her eyes at his gesture.

"No one said you were." He defends himself.

"Fine. But the answer is no." She says then takes a sip of her coffee, one hand holding the bag of baked goods open as she peers inside.

"But I haven't even asked for anything." He almost whines and it makes her want to smile and make it better with some kind of physical contact, even if they aren't doing that anymore. Though the more she thinks about it, the more she has to question it.

"Yet." She adds to his comment, trying to distract her mind from wandering down a road that ends with them both naked in the elevator.

"Fine." He sighs then turns back to the guys. "Can you believe her? I bring her coffee and pastries and this is what I get."

"Not touching that one." Esposito says, then turns back to his computer; effectively exiting the conversation.

"Yeah, we should go look into Everly's financials." Ryan offers as he joins his partner.

"What do you get, Castle? Enlighten me." When he turns to face her again, she cocks her eyebrow as if daring him to continue. He would love to enlighten her in all sorts of ways, but they don't have time and he's sure that she won't appreciate the gesture.

"Have I mentioned how great you look this morning?" He offers instead. She shakes her head and pulls a pastry out of the bag.

"Come on, Lanie has something for us."

***

They are interrupted when they get to the morgue by a phone call which Kate takes in the other room. He assumes it's Josh. That's the only time she leaves to take a call, though he doesn't know why she's taking a call from her boyfriend in the middle of a case. Even if she's done it before, it bothers him more now. Maybe it's just his frustration talking.

"Well you know it isn't Josh, so what's going on?" Lanie asks as she follows Castle's eyes to the door and picks up on something. He isn't sure what it is that gives him away. Perhaps his annoyed sigh or his slumped shoulders. He is momentarily thrown by being discovered, and it takes him a moment for her words to sink in.

"What?" He questions like a dimwitted monkey. He feels like maybe he's missing some vital information.

"You know, Josh? Her ex? Dr. Motorcycle Boy?"

Wait, her what? She broke up with him? She didn't tell him? Why wouldn't she tell him? And just what has she been doing avoiding him if she isn't feeling bad about cheating on her boyfriend? And why the hell aren't they together then?

"Wait. What do you mean, her ex?" He questions and Lanie freezes. She didn't know. She didn't know that Kate never told him, he can see it all over her face.

"How long?" He demands and Lanie knows better than to reveal anything. He can tell it's going to take some work to get more out of her.

"Sorry." Kate says as she breezes back in, saving Lanie from an explanation. "What's going on?" She asks when she picks up on the strange vibe in the room.

"Nothing. Who was that?" He asks gesturing to the phone, as if it's any of his business. But now that he knows it was not Josh he has to wonder just who it was. If maybe there is a new man in her life. The thought almost enrages him; that she could just skip over him entirely after everything makes him jealous beyond even his imagination.

She smiles and tucks her phone back into her pocket.

"Not important."

Like hell it isn't. If she's seeing another man again... His fingers clench tightly in on themselves.

"Sounded important." He insists. And whether she can tell how upset he is or not, she seems to pick up on the fact that this isn't the time to be hiding things from him.

"It was your daughter, actually. She wanted my opinion on something."

His muscles relax. His daughter.

Wait.

"What did she want to know?" He asks, wondering just what Alexis couldn't ask him.

"That is something you'll have to talk to her about." She says then turns to Lanie. "So?"

Lanie continues where she left off but Castle's mind is elsewhere. Worrying about his daughter now, instead of his love life and the huge bomb Lanie dropped on him. Beckett watches him out of the corner of her eye, can see he is stewing over something.

"It's fine, Castle. Nothing to worry about. Just your typical teenage girl thing. I'm sure she'll talk to you about it when she's ready to. She always does."

She's right of course, his daughter always comes to him.

He nods and she looks away again.

He likes that Alexis can confide in Kate. Likes it a lot. Even if it means that she doesn't come to him first sometimes.

Kate already fits in their little circle, he just has to convince her of that.

She's nodding to what Lanie is saying, looking down at her phone and tucking that errant strand of hair back behind her ear. It's warm outside so she's forgone the coat; traded it for a light blouse of deep blue. It is rolled up to her elbows and cut low enough in the front that he gets just a hint of what it hides; the chain from the necklace she wears her mother's ring on dangling down and disappearing between her perfect breasts.

He wonders if he can talk her into dinner, but knows that he could never sit still long enough to eat dinner with her when they've gone so long without physical contact. Especially now that he knows she doesn't belong to anyone. And part of him really wants her to tell him about Josh. He thinks he deserves at least that much from her.

But he's torn between his need to be there for his daughter and his need to undress his partner, both literally and figuratively. To remove all her barriers and get at the truth then remove all her clothes and act upon that truth.

Lanie looks nervous and he almost smiles, he knows that Kate won't be happy to find out she let it slip. He's grateful enough to do his best to make sure Kate never finds out where the information came from. It isn't the medical examiner's fault that his partner has been less than truthful with him.

That part stings a little. Knowing that she's been free and hasn't been back to see him. He tries to tell himself that maybe it hasn't been that long, but he knows better. Something about her actions denote her as a free woman for far longer. He just assumed she was still with Josh because she never said she wasn't, but when he looks back he doesn't remember her rushing off for a date. Doesn't remember her bringing up the man at all. It was her actions, the way she pulled away from him, that gave him the idea she was still with Josh.

He knows now that perhaps that wasn't the case at all. Maybe she pulled away from him in shame at what they had done and what it had led to. Maybe she pulled away from him to prevent herself from falling further now that she has no safety net to fall back into. Maybe she pulled away because she didn't want him finding out about her break up in the first place.

None of those reasons speak comfort to him, however.

"You coming?" Kate asks standing in the doorway and looking back at him, pulling him from his thoughts.

"Yeah." He says then starts toward the door as she exits.

"Look, Castle I-" Lanie starts in a hurried whisper as he brushes passed.

"I won't tell her I found out from you." He whispers back softly. "She should have told me, you had no way of knowing she didn't."

Lanie nods her thanks and he hurries to catch up to his partner before she notices him lagging behind.

***

He decides to have dinner with his daughter. Mostly because she calls Beckett again later in the day and his fatherly concern dictate that his other needs wait until he has ensured that his daughter is okay.

Kate is right, she simply wanted some perspective from a woman on a boyfriend issue. While he still thinks his daughter is too young to be having relationship problems, he is slightly relieved not to have to deal with them. He doesn't know what he would have told her, but he isn't the best example of what to do and what not to do. Though when he thinks about it, Beckett hasn't exactly been winning in that area as of late either.

It turns out it doesn't matter though, Alexis assures him that things have worked out and that she and her relationship are fine now. She kicks him out after dinner, because she knows his mind is no longer with her. Tells him not to come home until he sorts out his relationship problems. He was unaware that he is so transparent.

He's been doing a good job of keeping his mouth shut and not telling anyone anything about what is going on between the two of them. But somehow his daughter picks up on it anyway. She always does.

So he finds himself outside of Kate's door with a bottle of wine and his heart on his sleeve again. He has no plan for how the evening is going to go, but he knows two things: he's not leaving without her confession about Josh, and he's not leaving without an answer about them.

It takes her a long time to answer the door when he knocks and he wonders if she was indisposed or if she was just debating on whether or not she should let him in.

"Hey." He greets her when she pulls open the door, the look on her face makes him think it was option two that kept her from opening it.

"What do you want?" She asks, not stepping aside to let him in.

"Thought maybe we could decompress a little. Talk about the case?" He knows he isn't convincing when he turns his last statement into a question, but she only seems to think about it for a moment before stepping aside and letting him in.

She takes the wine from him and he follows her to the kitchen, her bare feet padding across the tile. She hasn't changed out of her work clothes and he wonders how long she stayed at the precinct after he left. He watches as she reaches up into a cupboard to take down some wine glasses, her now untucked shirt riding up just a sliver, exposing the pale skin of her waist above the dark shade of of her dress pants.

"So?" She questions softly as she sets the glasses down on the counter next to the bottle of wine and digs in a drawer for a corkscrew.

"So." He mimics taking the corkscrew and bottle from her hand and opening the wine then handing both back to her. She turns back to the counter and picks up a glass, fills it and sets it back on the counter. Picks up the next and begins to fill it as well.

He steps up behind her and boxes her in. She freezes and he thinks for a minute that she is going to send him away. But then he feels her relax into his embrace and he knows he is safe. For now.

"What are you doing?" She can't help but smile as his hands wrap around her waist and his lips brush her neck.

"Nothing." He whispers before teasing the sensitive skin under her ear with his tongue. "Why?"

"Because." She groans as she sets the wine bottle and glass down on the counter and drops her hands to his arms, her fingers running along the length of them and locking around his wrists as if to pull them away. "You shouldn't be doing that."

"I disagree, I think this is exactly what we should be doing." He presses himself into her back and she lets her head fall back against his chest; his cheek resting against hers as her fingers slide down to lock with his. "If you really didn't want this, you wouldn't have let me in."

She seems to ponder it for a minute and his heart almost stops in anticipation. Her hands pull free from his and he waits for her to push him away, but instead she turns in his arms and meets his eyes for a moment.

"You're right. I wouldn't have." She agrees then leans in and kisses the corner of his mouth, her tongue slipping out as she pulls away. It slides sensually across his top lip before disappearing back into her mouth; hidden behind a delightfully wicked grin.

He knows an invitation when he sees one. Has her pressed against the counter with his tongue in her mouth and his hands roaming her body before she even has time to gasp in surprise. She responds in kind, her hands tear at his shirt desperate to free more of him. She has him free of it in record time, her hands running over his skin, fingertips trailing lightening in their wake.

There is no guilt this time. No hesitance. No worry that they will be interrupted. He knows she doesn't have to hide this from her boyfriend anymore. Knows there is no one else.

His.

He pulls back to look at her. Hair wild from his questing fingers, lips swollen, eyes dark as she takes a moment to breath. His hands move to frame her face, two fingers of each hand resting along her neck. Her pulse fast and strong. Leaning in he kisses her again, softly. Quickly. Between heartbeats.

His.

It sends a rush of blood south and his hands drop to her waist as he lifts her and sets her on the counter behind them, comes to rest between her legs. Taking the hint, she wraps them around him and holds him there. Then he's lost in her lips, his fingers snake under her shirt and buttons fly when he tugs it apart. Pushes it down her arms to her elbows before his hands wander back to her stomach and his lips travel down her neck to her chest. She struggles to free herself, knocks over the bottle of wine and the glasses, they roll off the counter and spill everywhere. The glasses shatter against the floor but she doesn't seem to mind; simply presses herself against him and moans her approval as he thrusts forward and his lips find a nipple through the lace of her bra.

"Rick." She whimpers as her fingers curl in his hair. He smiles against her skin as his fingers find the clasp of her bra and free it. Uses his nose to move the fabric out of the way entirely to explore the newly revealed territory with his tongue and lips. She tugs his head away from her chest and seals her lips to his. Lets go of his hair to place her hands around his shoulders as she slides to the edge of the counter and down his body. His hands move to cup her ass and hold her in place, her feet coming to rest an inch from the ground; the counter digging into her back as he thrusts against her once more, silently cursing the layers between them.

She moans again, as his lips leave hers. Throws her head back so he can continue to kiss his way down her neck.

"Kate." He murmurs. He wants her so badly he doesn't think he can stop himself from taking her against the counter. But he needs more than sex with her. At one time that would have been enough. Hell, if he closes his eyes he's pretty sure he could live with just sex now too, but he needs to know why she didn't tell him about Josh. He needs to know that this will happen again, he'd rather not have her at all if he doesn't get to keep her.

Because he is never going to be satisfied with just once. He hasn't even gotten her completely naked and he's already risking blowing the moment prematurely.

He watches her squirm against him, her eyes closed tightly. Her mouth open just enough for the sharp pants and soft groans to escape her deliciously bitten lips.

His.

Wants her to be his. Only his.

God. Needs her. Needs to just...

"Rick. Please." She looks at him, her eyes open as she notices his sudden lack of physical attention. Meets his eyes and it just sort of falls from his lips without invitation.

"Why didn't you tell me you broke it off with Josh?"

Like a light switch being flipped, she goes dark. Her hands move from his chest to cross in front of hers as she sinks down and her feet land fully on the floor. She turns her face away, forces one leg between his and gains the advantage she needs to turn and face the counter.

"I think you should go." She says softly.

"I don't think so. We should talk about this." He whispers and can't resist running his lips across her shoulders, tasting her bare skin as he makes his way back to her neck. She arches her neck to let him, her hands falling away from her skin and resting on the counter in front of her.

"I don't want to talk. I want to fuck." She objects and pushes her hips back into him.

He doesn't know what bothers him more, the words themselves, the attitude with which she says them, or the fact that he's so horribly turned on by her and the idea of doing just that.

He doesn't speak, knows he'll trip over his tongue if he opens his mouth. He can't help the way his hips instinctively move closer to her and press her into the counter again.

"I know you want to." She growls as her hands grab his, where they rest on her hips, and she drags them up to cup her breasts. Turning her head, she raises the heat by meeting his eyes and whispering her words across his lips. "We don't need to talk about it."

Later on he's probably going to hate himself for turning her down, but all he can think about is how she'll throw him away when she's done. He could have everything he wants, but she will hate him for it. She'll blame him for going too far. She'll say that she told him she never wanted anything more.

So he steps back. She turns around completely, and he gets a good look at her naked skin for the first time. She smiles when he has to tear his eyes from her chest.

He hates himself already.

Looking around he finds her shirt and grabs it, quickly shoving it in her hands.

She's not pleased by this but she puts it on anyway, uses the two buttons that are still attached to keep it from falling open. They don't do much good, he notes as the inside curve of her breasts are still clearly visible.

He doesn't just hate himself, he loathes himself and wonders if he's making a mistake.

His downstairs brain is screaming in outrage and agreement. He is a moron. The biggest idiot in the city. He has one of the most amazing women he's ever met almost begging him to do her and he's saying no.

"What's the problem?" She demands. "You've wanted to do this from the moment you met me." She moves forward and he puts a hand on her shoulder.

"You're gonna step on a piece of glass." He warns and she rolls her eyes.

"You didn't answer my question." She persists.

"We can't keep doing this. Why didn't you tell me about him? Why didn't you tell me that you broke up with him?" He demands, fire building behind his eyes.

"Because it wasn't any of your business." She spits out quickly and pushes his hand from her shoulder.

"The hell, it wasn't." He leans in, getting in her face before lowering his voice and tone. "You know how I feel about you. It was my business. Maybe you didn't want it to be, but you know I deserved to know. Do you have any idea how sick I felt about making you cheat on him? How conflicted I was about the whole damn thing? Christ, Kate. Not my business, try again."

He hits a nerve, and he can tell she is annoyed because she puts her hands on his shoulders and gives him a shove backwards. Tries to step forward but he stops her again by putting his hands back up on her shoulders only to have her push them off again.

"Because I didn't want this to happen. Why do you have to make a big deal out of it? He's gone. So what?" She's in his face now, and he has to fight the urge to kiss her and tell her he's sorry. He hates upsetting her. But he can't keep letting her win. It's killing them.

And he knows how much Josh meant to her. He can't pretend not to. He knows she loved him at one time. He knows that she spent a few tears on him. Knows that it hurt her to finally break that tie. And he knows she thought she had to do it alone.

"So I would have been there for you. I know it had to have made you sick inside too. I would have been there. I would have-" He tries to explain that he still cares. That she hurt him, but he still cares. Still wants to be her friend. Still wants her to trust him.

"And then you would have tried to take his place. I don't want another boyfriend, Castle."

She knows him, and he is faced with the reality that maybe she doesn't want him after all. It makes him angry. Angry that she refuses to see the truth between them, that she doesn't think enough of them to believe in them.

"And I don't want another one-night stand. I want to be with you, Kate. In every way that counts." His voice is colder now.

"I don't want you to." She sighs, places one hand on his cheek. "Come on, can't we just go back to before. I promise you'll like it." She adds with a smile.

He can't believe her. Can't believe she can dismiss them so easily. That this is nothing more to her. Can't believe he still wants her. Wants to push her back up against the counter and forget the whole thing.

"I have no doubt of that, and trust me when I say it's beyond tempting." He grabs her hand and pulls it from his face, holding it for a moment. "But I can't pretend that being with you like this doesn't make me want more." She watches their hands as he lets go. "I can't do it anymore, if you want to stop pretending it doesn't matter, you know where to find me. Until then, you're just gonna have to figure out a new way to relieve tension. I care about you way too much to let you do this to us." He turns his back to her and starts toward the door.

"Castle." She calls out to him, he can hear the confusion and disappointment in her voice and it's all he can do to turn and face her.

"No, Kate." She moves to follow him as he turns to go again and he holds his hand up to stop her. Her eyes aren't on the mess at her feet, they aren't closed or distant. She's scared, and he can't help but think that at least that is something. But she's being stupid if she thinks he'll give in, and even more stupid to try and cross the glass strewn floor without something on her feet.

"Don't. If you're going to be emotionally reckless the least you could do is watch where you're putting your damn feet." He gestures to the glass and spilled wine again. Her boots sit by the door and as Castle reaches them he picks them up and gets only close enough to her to toss them in her direction. Waits only long enough to make sure she gets them. When she starts to pull them on he opens the door and steps out.

He pulls her door closed behind him and rests against it for a minute before leaving. Maybe he hopes she'll open it and tell him she's changed her mind. Maybe he just doesn't remember how to move.

He has his answers now. But he wishes he could take it all back.


	7. Nudge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Because this story was conceived before Setup and Countdown aired, they don't fit into the time line. However, bits of those episodes are still going to be considered into this story. So in this universe... there was a bomb, Beckett and Castle were locked in a freezer, and they did save the city. The difference is that Beckett and Josh were already broken up at the time. Which means there was no discussion about Josh, he wasn't there after the freezer, etc. However, there was also no discussion about Castle and Beckett's relationship either. It would have occurred sometime after chapter five but before chapter six._

  
**_And it's everything and nothing / That I thought it would be / And it's nothing and it's everything / That I thought it would be_**  
Tonight – The Pierces

She knows she screwed up. Can feel it as he slips farther from her. All her unvoiced hopes and fears, her secret desires and tears, everything and nothing shattered and spilled on the ground with that wine.

A voice inside her head is screaming at her to fight, not to let him walk out that door. Her pride on the other hand, won't let her.

When the door closes on them, when he shuts it after he walks out—no, after she pushed him out—she knows that things are never going to be the same between them.

They can't possibly be.

She wants to run after him and tell him everything. That she's a coward. That she doesn't want this between them. She wants them to be clean, uncomplicated. She wants to just fit. It's her fault for letting him in, for leading him on. For pretending that she could have everything she wanted without the emotional commitment to go with it.

Being his friend is safe, he won't ever tire of her that way. It's comfortable, he knows her better than any other man has. Their friendship is the most important relationship in her life. If things go wrong, which they both have a pretty good track record of, that's it. She doesn't just lose her boyfriend, which hurts enough. She loses her best friend. Her partner. Everything.

Sex messes everything up, she knows that. But she's lonely and she wants him, sometimes when he gets her worked up she can't think. Clearly.

If she's honest, she's angry with him too. Pissed that he had to come along and ruin everything. Annoyed that he never has to face the consequences of what they did, and she faces them daily. She's mad at herself for letting him sway her. For letting herself be distracted. For Josh.

So maybe she was punishing him a little. Even when she knows it's stupid and immature.

But he makes her lose control. He always has. And she's never been comfortable with that.

She pulls her cellphone out of her pocket and stares at it. Contemplates calling him and telling him she's sorry and that she takes it all back. She admits they went too far. Can they just forget it ever happened? It won't happen again.

But his words haunt her. Maybe she's still not done pretending.

Not too long ago, they almost died. She doesn't like to think about it, and they don't talk about it. But it's there. Always. In the back of her mind, reminding her that time is not something she can count on. Whispering terrifying little what ifs. It only makes resisting him harder. Makes her want to grab on to him and cling like one of those needy women she despises.

She has never needed a man.

He just might be the exception.

She hates that. Hates that he can make her go against her very nature. Twists her up so completely that she doesn't even know who she is anymore.

Even though she's mad at him, she doesn't want to hurt him. It's the last thing she wants, yet she finds it's the first thing she does. Words and actions just seem to slip from her and before she can register what's happening she's messed things up again. She swears every time, vows even, that she won't let him kiss her. Won't let him touch her. Won't kiss him back. Won't enjoy the way he is solid and real under her fingertips. How he promises to stay... Always.

She's old enough to know that some promises, despite intentions, are just not promises that can be kept. She worries that his is one of those. Worries that things will slowly sour when he grows tired of her. Right now she is somewhat unattainable. How quickly will his passion fade when he knows how easily he can have her? How bored will he become when there is no more mystery? She's no stranger to his shorter than average attention span. She doesn't want to become a casualty of it.

Even though she knows that he will always have her back, things change when she lets him in. In ways they can't turn back from. Becoming emotionally intimate with him would have its benefits, but she thinks the risk couldn't outweigh the possible negative outcome. She doesn't understand why he can't see that.

How can he have so much faith in them?

She trusts him with her life, with her body, with her mind. But she doesn't trust him with her heart.

They are on their longest stretch. The most time he has stayed with her. As summer approaches, she can't help but think about how in the three years they have known one another they have never spent a summer together. The first year it was her mother. The second it was Gina.

How can she believe his, 'Always' when they have such an excellent record against it? When they have yet to spend an entire year in each other's company without one of them pushing the other away.

Maybe this summer, it will be their semi fling that sends him away. After all, didn't he just give her an ultimatum?

She's not sure she wants to believe him, either. Not sure she's ready for the kind of relationship he wants, so quickly after Josh. She doesn't really want to wonder if he's a rebound. Doesn't want him to become the reason she broke up with Josh. And she's content with what they have. She's learned how to live with it. How to build those walls around her heart to protect it from him.

Even though sometimes he gets over them and she lets him stay a little while before she shoves him back out, it doesn't mean she's ready to make him a permanent resident there.

There are too many reasons to say no to him, and not enough to say yes. But when there is a knock on her door not fifteen minutes later, she doesn't hesitate to answer. Runs to it with such a ridiculous burst of hope and relief, it should make her sick. It should make her question her resolve, when even the idea of him coming back is enough to send her running.

"Rick I..." She starts as she flings the door open, not quite sure what to say. She pauses as the person outside smiles back with a raised eyebrow.

"Rick, huh? When did that happen?" Lanie asks, talking about more than just the name. She nods her head and gestures to the state of Kate's attire.

Kate doesn't say anything, only steps aside and lets her friend in. Tries to mask the disappointment as she pulls a hooded jacket on, quickly zipping it up. It's not her friend's fault that she isn't Castle. And if Kate knows anything, it's that Lanie will soon have the entire story if she doesn't learn how to school her features, and bite her tongue. Not that she doesn't expect a conversation about her partially buttoned shirt as well.

It doesn't take Lanie long to see the mess in the kitchen however; and Kate wishes that she would have taken some of that time she wasted in reflection, cleaning up. And not only to avoid Lanie's scrutiny.

"Ok. What exactly is going on between the two of you?" Lanie asks, gesturing toward the spill.

"Nothing." Kate tosses over her shoulder, like it's weightless. Paper thin and airy. Not at all like the reality of it. The lead anchor around her neck.

She liberates a bucket from under her sink and fills it with warm water and dish soap.

"Right." Lanie's tone indicates she believes little, if any, of what comes out of Kate's mouth. "Nothing." She adds as she pulls Kate's trash can over and carefully begins to pick out the broken shards of glass.

"Right." Kate affirms as she soaks up the wine with a few paper towels, then scrubs at the floor with a sponge and the soap and water mixture.

"That's gonna stain." Lanie offers. "You got any hydrogen peroxide?" She asks and Kate sends her to the bathroom to find it. When she returns she asks for a spray bottle and Kate hunts one down and watches as Lanie mixes water and some hydrogen peroxide together in the bottle.

"Why doesn't it surprise me that you know that?" She almost smiles as she watches Lanie spray the spot on the floor.

"I've had my fair share of... 'wine stains.'" Lanie teases, like she somehow knows exactly how the wine was spilled in the first place. "It has to sit for awhile. In the meantime you can tell me what happened."

She knows she won't get out of it. Lanie won't leave it be until she has some kind of explanation. But Kate doesn't have one. She doesn't know where to start, and she isn't sure how much to say.

He left and she isn't sure what will happen when she sees him again. Or when that will even be.

The idea of working the next case alone makes her stomach sink. That hauntingly familiar feeling of the empty chair by her desk. Of someone else getting her coffee. She doesn't like any of it.

"I don't know." Her voice almost cracks. Not enough. Too much. Everything and nothing. "I don't know what happened. Or how it happened. Or when it happened. Or if it even happened. I just don't know."

Lanie takes her hand and pulls her into the other room, sits on the couch and pulls Kate down next to her.

"Start somewhere simple then." Lanie suggests, as if it is the easiest answer in the world.

So she tells her friend. Explains how things have kind of gotten out of hand between them. How she isn't in love with him, but she's afraid he might be falling for her. How she doesn't want to jump back into a relationship, but she's afraid of losing him.

She doesn't tell her about wanting to sleep with him. She doesn't tell her about making out with him on a regular basis. She keeps it simple. Implies that he is all feeling and she is all friendship.

She tells herself that she isn't lying because she doesn't really know how she feels. Or if she even should feel anything. But she's uncomfortable with the idea. Truth is paramount in her line of work, she doesn't like how easily swayed her truth can be when it comes to Rick. Much like her marriage to honor and dignity, truth seems to find itself riding in the back seat or abandoned all together on some seedy street corner as she drives off with lust and impulse. Guilt always seems to find her after. Her designated driver. Reason rears its head when she's busy trying to mop up the mess overindulgence leads to; it likes to scold her and remind her what boundaries are for.

But reason also holds the keys to that secret part of her heart, and it plays warden a little too well sometimes.

As she relates the barest of the story to Lanie, her friend nods in all the right places. Offers all the correct murmurs and non verbals. Then, when Kate is done talking she speaks.

"Right, now you wanna tell me the real story?"

Kate pretends confusion but Lanie merely rolls her eyes indicating she isn't buying it. So Kate continues, telling Lanie about their second kiss. About how it meant nothing, how it was only to prove a point. For every inch she takes back a mile.

"You must be spending a lot of time with him. He's rubbing off on you. You've developed quite the talent for spinning a tale." Lanie says when Kate grows quiet. "Why didn't you tell him you broke up with Josh?"

"You told him." Kate sighs and looks away for a minute, things finally clicking into place. That would be the question Lanie wanted an answer to. It was the question Castle wanted an answer to, as well.

Why did it matter what she did or who she told? It didn't change anything.

"It wasn't intentional, but if you wanted me to keep it a secret from him, you should have told me." Lanie says softly. Kate nods and looks back, wondering what she did to deserve Lanie's loyalty. Knowing that if nothing else, Lanie deserved an answer.

"No, it's okay." She looks away. "I guess I just never got around to it." She offers lamely.

It's not a good excuse and not quite the truth, either. She did plan on telling him eventually, but she had needed time to heal a little first, and then the thing with the dirty bomb... Well, it just wasn't a good time to go admitting she was keeping something from him. Something, he would see as an invitation to more trouble.

"Bullshit." Lanie rolls her eyes then looks back toward the other room. "How did you two make that mess in the kitchen? I only know two good reasons for broken glass and spilled wine. They both involve passion and they both deserve explanation." She waits patiently for an answer.

"Two?" Kate wonders if they can change the subject. Maybe she can distract her friend by leading her away from the idea of him and her. Even though she knows it's fruitless, there is too much evidence against them, she still hopes. But Lanie knows. Somehow, she always knows.

"Either you two went at each other like animals in heat or you went after each other for the kill. I'm voting for option one, it's sexier. Plus you were only half dressed when you answered the door calling for your apparent love slave." She teases, Kate rolls her eyes in response.

"He's not my love slave."

"And yet you let him rip your shirts off." Lanie pauses before continuing, as if trying to picture the incident in the kitchen. "Interesting relationship you two aren't having. Wine. Undressing. You know most people would consider that part of a romantic encounter."

"You're just so smart, aren't you?" Kate grumbles. "It's not really romantic. I mean... I don't know. It's just not. Which is fine because I don't want it to be. It needed to stop, so I stopped it."

"It bothers you." Lanie states simply.

"Yes!" It bursts out of her mouth before she can stop it. With anyone else she would feel mortified, with Lanie it's normal. "I mean, we aren't ready for that. It's just not a good idea."

"You're afraid that if you get with Castle..." Lanie pauses, waiting for Kate to finish her thought. To come to admit the reasons so she can move on. But Kate knows better. She knows how the game is played and she can play it just as well as her friend does.

"I'm not afraid. I just know better." Kate defends herself, her fingers idly playing with the hem of her jacket. Her eyes on her hands.

"Bullshit. You're afraid he's the one. You're afraid of what that means. You're afraid of what he makes you feel and do." Lanie almost laughs, and Kate looks up at her. "You said you aren't ready for that. Why not?" Lanie asks seriously.

"I just got out of a relationship, and so did he. Not too long ago, anyway." She knows it's not a good excuse. He has been free for months now, and she knows that the heat had died between Rick and Gina a long time before they'd broken up. Just as things had died between her and Josh long before she cut the cords on their relationship.

"Did he break up with his ex-wife for you?" Lanie continues her interrogation.

Had he?

"No, I don't think so." She answers honestly. He would have made a move sooner if he had. Wouldn't he?

"Did you break up with Josh for him?"

That's where things start to get murky.

"No..." She hesitates and Lanie picks up on it.

"Did you?" Lanie asks again.

He was part of her decision, but not because she wanted to be with him. He just made things that much easier to admit. Well, some things.

"I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a factor, but no. I broke up with Josh because we weren't working."

And she did. She could be comfortable with that, because that was the truth. She feels bad about stringing him along for so long, but she cut him loose when she realized they would never work together.

"Then what's the problem?" Lanie questions again.

Kate sighs. She looks away, past Lanie and into the distance. Her focus on things internal.

"I don't want to date, Rick. Not right now." She admits softly. Maybe she is scared of the idea. She doesn't want to think that. She's the kind of girl who looks fear in the face and laughs. She's the kind of girl who does what has to be done. She isn't the kind of girl to back away from a challenge.

So why does the idea of Rick Castle make her turn tail and hide?

She will admit that dating Rick is something she has probably always entertained—in fantasy mode.

"Why is right now, any different then later?" Lanie presses.

Because later may never happen.

There is something about having fantasy become reality. But when it comes down to it, maybe she is just comfortable enough knowing that she can have him if and when she wants. For once she feels like she finally has some kind of control over it. Maybe she isn't ready to let go of that just yet.

"It just is." She offers instead. Lanie rolls her eyes.

Or maybe she is a coward.

"It really isn't. You don't want people thinking you cheated on Josh with Castle. You don't want them thinking you broke up with Josh to be with Castle." Lanie speaks slowly, as if hesitant to say it.

Kate doesn't blame her.

She likes to pretend that what people say doesn't bother her.

"I don't care what people think." She denies the truth of it.

In reality, what people say about her and Castle—that does bother her. A lot.

She doesn't want people thinking she broke up with Josh to be with Castle. Josh deserves better. Rick deserves better. And she doesn't want to be that kind of person.

"That's good, because you're gonna have a lot of outside feedback once you hook up with him. Rick Castle's relationships fuel the gossip columns."

Does Lanie think she doesn't know that? Does she think that she hasn't thought about it?

"I know that. I know that if we ever hook up it will be in bold print for all of the city to see." She admits softly.

She knows exactly what they will say. She knows how they will number her, one among many. Just another conquest for Rick Castle. How she won't be able to hide from the spotlight. How their every move will be questioned and analyzed.

She remembers the publicity and fame that came with the release of his first book. The mocking glances of her peers. The way she had to prove herself again. Fighting to reclaim her place in that unforgivable man's world. It's not something she can forget. She has always known, that falling for Rick Castle's charm will be seen as a weakness. Will make her just like every other girl he has slept with. It's part of why she has fought it for so long.

Of course, they will say that she didn't fight it at all. There will be rumors and articles about how they have been together the whole time. People will get hurt and it will be lies.

So yes, she knows that there will be a fallout in the press as well.

Lanie grabs Kate's wrist to get her attention as she softens her tone.

"You know that the part of the city that matters, knows you two have had a thing for each other for years. That it won't surprise any of us?"

Kate nods. Lanie is right, of course. But she doesn't want Josh to stumble across an article declaring that she's been Castle's secret lover for three years. She doesn't want the implications, because there is now some truth behind them. That's not something she's proud of.

"I know, and I know that in the long run it doesn't matter. But it doesn't make me feel any better about it. I did cheat on Josh with Castle. We liked to pretend we weren't, but we were. I'm just not ready for our relationship to be out there. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I want to be able to look at Rick without remembering the stupid things we did." She expounds.

Admitting it to herself is harder than sharing it with Lanie. She imagines that one day it won't bother her as much. That one day it won't be so hard to admit other things as well. But until then she's not against returning to their previous arrangement.

"Good luck with that, sweetie." This time Lanie does laugh as she pulls her hand away.

She knows there is no magic button, no switch to flip—nothing to make things as they were. She's also not stupid enough to believe that things would really be better that way.

"I know." She admits. "I just think it would be better if we let things cool off a bit."

Just long enough to regain her focus. Just long enough to decide one way or the other. And really... just long enough to have a mature discussion with him. One that doesn't involve sticking her tongue down his throat. The physical aspect of them is what has gotten them into trouble. Removing it really is a necessity.

"How does he feel about that?" Lanie asks.

She can imagine his response. Thinks he'll probably pout about it, but in the end she will win. That is, if she can get him to listen to reason.

"Well, right now he's pretty pissed at me. But I think he would agree with me. He might not be happy with that direction, but at least it's a direction." Kate concludes.

Direction is something they have been lacking.

Lanie sits back and puzzles over something for a minute. Her head tilted slightly, her eyes looking up as if she is going over all the facts one by one in her mind.

"You don't think he's gonna miss ripping your shirts off?" She teases after a moment. "No, forget him. Aren't you going to miss him ripping your shirts off?" She gives Kate a knowing look and Kate groans and falls back against the couch.

"Probably. But it's better than not having him in my life at all." She sighs, crossing her arms.

"What makes you so sure that you two won't work?" Lanie settles back next to Kate as she begins the interrogation again.

"I'm not." She can admit that much. She really doesn't know that they won't work out. She has no proof.

"And yet you won't even give him a try?" Lanie tries again and Kate has to wonder just whose side she is on.

"I'm not saying never. I'm just saying right now. If we do this, it deserves to be done right. I need to figure out what I want before I drag him into it. I need to be ok with what we did first."

Kate pauses and meets eyes with her friend, waiting for some kind of indication that Lanie understands.

"And how exactly do you think that is going to happen? Do you think you're just going to wake up one day and realize that it's all better?"

If only it were that easy. She knows that isn't going to happen. She isn't stupid. She doesn't expect to wake up one day and be ready. All she really knows is that right now, she's not.

"No. I don't know. I just know that I need some time and space between us. It's too easy to get distracted when we're alone together. It's too easy to forget where and who I am. I need to be me before I can let him in." She tries to explain the overwhelming feeling of spinning out of control. Of not knowing who she is or where she stands.

Lanie just shakes her head.

"I think you're crazy. You've got this great guy who is nuts about you. You are obviously harboring some intense feelings toward him as well. You don't need time. You need to dive in and see where it takes you. Live a little. That is the only way you are ever going to feel better about it."

Part of her knows that what Lanie says is right, but her ringing phone cuts off any further thought on the topic.

"Beckett." She answers.

"We got a body. Captain wants you on this one, it's pretty high profile." Esposito's voice greets her.

She doesn't call Castle.


	8. Ambush

  
**_Time says, it's the end of the day. / My inside says, for your lips to forget what time says. / Or do I let go of the feeling, when you steal the logic around me? / Oh God, save me, I'm trying. / How do I slow down? / I can't relate to my heart now. / I've thrown what I've known (Is it enough for me?) out. / I'm running on empty. / I've gotta find someway to fumble right through this new heartache. / It's torn me apart. / Oh lovesick mistake, turn me away._**  
Lovesick Mistake – Erin McCarley

When he leaves her, he doesn't go home. Instead he goes to his bar and spends the rest of the night trying to forget her naked flesh and the way she feels pressed against him. He shares a drink or two with some cute coeds but it's not enough anymore. He doesn't want to have just another fling. He doesn't want to follow the girls back to their apartment.

What he wants is the woman he left standing half dressed in a puddle of wine. Frustrated and not nearly drunk enough, he goes home and crawls into bed where he stares at the ceiling and wishes his phone would ring.

It doesn't.

In the morning he decides to stop by the precinct. He knows that he won't be able to concentrate on anything else until he sees her and makes sure she is alright. Though he doesn't know why he thinks she would be anything less than. He is the one who wants more. He's the one who isn't really alright. She's probably just fine without him. She always has been.

It comes as a surprise to him that she isn't at the precinct and neither are the guys. He knows they can't be working a case because she would have called him. She wouldn't hold what happened the night before against him. Would she?

He brought coffee and pastries to smooth things over but notices her mug, half empty and cold on her desk, which is unlike her. She always tidies up after every case, and she would never leave her mug half full overnight unless she had been called away unexpectedly.

He sets the bag of pastries down on his chair and notices her desk is covered in paperwork, glances over his shoulder and sees the murder board.

She doesn't call him for every case, he tells himself. She never has, he justifies. She deals with plenty of the typical garden variety homicides that he never gets involved in. But this...

He sets their coffee down on the only clear spot on her desk then wanders over to the murder board.

"Hey, Castle. Do you think he did it?" Ryan calls out from across the room as he and Esposito walk in. "Where's Beckett?" He adds as he stops next to the murder board and picks up a marker.

It's clear to him that Ryan thinks he's involved in this case. And as Castle watches Ryan add a few minor details to the board, he wonders if he should be.

Their victim is none other than the former Senator Jacob McAllister, and from what he can gather they already have a person of interest with ties to the famous Lucchese family.

With former senator and a suspect with mob ties it was no wonder the guys just assumed Beckett had called him. She should have. He should have been her first call. She knows how excited he would be to work on a case like this.

Maybe he was foolish to think that they could just forget it happened and work around it like they do so many other things. But he thought she'd call. She always still calls. He doesn't understand why she didn't this time.

"Earth to Castle?" Esposito says, breaking the silence that has fallen upon them.

"Yeah. Sure." He answers, something inside twisting at the knowledge that she is writing him out of her life one phone call at a time. He doesn't have the heart to admit she never called, not to them.

"You do?" Ryan raises his eyebrows as disbelief crosses his face.

"He doesn't. He's pulling your leg." She says as she steps up beside him. He turns to look at her, and she doesn't meet his eyes.

"Don't you two have something to do?" She directs at his counterparts and they nod and scurry back to their desks, sending looks over their shoulders back at the two of them.

"It was late." She says under her breath as she grabs her coffee cup off the desk and heads to the break room to dump it down the sink. "It wasn't a good time."

Translation: She didn't want to see him.

"Look, if it's too weird between us just say so. I know I can help you on this case but not if you don't want me around." He whispers back as she shuts the door behind him and Ryan stands up at his desk to peer into the room they entered, pretending to stretch to justify his movement.

"It isn't that. I was going to call you... We should talk." She sighs as she sets her mug down on the counter, her back to him.

He doesn't want to talk. Doesn't want to hear her tell him that it will never work between them. Doesn't want to see her ripe lips form around the words that will pierce him cleanly through. Can't hear her soft voice speak those fears that eat her alive. Her hand on his shoulder as she explains why she can never be his. He can't do it.

He steps up next to her and catches her hand under his, wraps his fingers between hers.

"No."

She turns her head to look at him, a ghost of a smile touches her lips and he almost believes he's wrong.

"You don't even know-"

He cuts her off with a squeeze to her hand.

"We have a case." He explains.

He can't look in her eyes and misread what's there. If she looks even a bit hopeful he knows it will destroy him when her cold words come later. It's best he brace himself for the worst. Best he learn how to look at her and not remember just what lies under her practical button up and badge.

"After, then." She says softly and he nods. Their backs are to the window facing the bullpen and he knows that no one can see their faces or the fact that he is holding her hand, but he feels their eyes. Knows that at least two pairs of eyes are boring holes through the glass. Wishes they were alone so he could do more than hold her hand.

He thinks he can still sway her. But he can't do that here. Can't convince her that they are perfectly suited to each other when her heart is on display. He's surprised she has allowed this much in a public forum.

"I really was going to call you. You know that, don't you?" She asks as she frees her hand and picks up her mug again, facing him. "I thought you might want some space and..." She murmurs and looks away as he turns to face her.

He believes her. Believes that she hasn't given up on them, not entirely.

"It's ok." His voice is low and his fingers ache to dance across the smooth skin of her cheek and guide her eyes to his so she can see the truth of it there. Instead they lightly graze the inside of her wrist as he turns back to the door they entered. "Though you better catch me up. The guys think you did call me and that I know about it. I thought it best to let them believe that."

"Thank you." She murmurs and leans back against the counter, watching out the window as Ryan and Esposito suddenly find something on the computer screen in front of them particularly interesting.

He backs up and leans against the counter next to her.

"Any time. I've got you, you know that." He meets her eyes and smiles.

"Always." She whispers back and he wonders if maybe she wasn't going to tell him they could never work. He wonders if maybe she wants to try.

"Look, about last night..." She starts again after a moment or two of silence spent searching each others eyes for some hidden truth. "...I'm sorry. Things just..."

"Uh, Beckett?" Esposito questions from the doorway. He hadn't heard the detective approach and as she jumps at the intrusion he knows he wasn't alone.

She rips her eyes away from him and looks to Esposito.

"What do you have?" She asks, her soft lines suddenly hardening as every muscle in her body seems to tense. Her professional persona slipping back into place almost effortlessly. He thinks that one day he's going to really enjoy trying to crack her. Toying with her and trying to break her resolve. Whether it's to coax her back into bed for an hour or to try and get her to quit for the night, he doesn't care. He just knows that he's going to enjoy feeling her relax under his fingertips. Knowing that he can get around her shell.

"Bridger called. He was wondering if you needed anything more from Moretti. He wants to move him to a safer location." Esposito informs them.

"You're kidding me." She rolls her eyes and Esposito shrugs.

"Come on, Castle. We're heading down to see what else we can get from him." She says as she grabs his sleeve and tugs him from the room before letting go. Calling out some last minute directions for the boys and making a pit stop at her desk to grab the coffee he brought in and the bag of pastries before she rushes him to the elevator.

When they stop in the parking garage he's confused so she explains.

Marco Moretti aka Mark Miller was in Witness Protection and being held at a local hotel until Marshal Bridger decided to move him for his own safety. Which meant talking to him would become increasingly difficult, if not impossible.

Moretti had earned his place in WITSEC from his involvement in a drug deal gone wrong. It had resulted in the death of two innocent bystanders. Rather than face charges he had offered to turn on the "family." His testimony had led to the arrest and incarceration of several key players, which made him a very unpopular man.

As they drive she continues with what they know.

"Moretti's grandmother was dying so he decided that a visit was in order, even if it violated his agreement with the U.S. Government. He figured he could sneak in and out before anyone caught him." She explains.

"Right. Because that always works so well." He says and rolls his eyes.

"It was what he did to avoid getting caught that made him an eye witness to the senator's murder. Which in turn led to him getting caught." She knew he'd enjoy this part of the story the most.

"Oh what a tangled web..." He sighs melodramatically.

"He was ducking into an alley to avoid running into one of the cops involved in the case that put him in Witness Protection. The alley just happened to be the same alley that would become our crime scene mere minutes after he hid in one of the dumpsters." She continues, the car stopping for a traffic light.

"A natural habitat for a rat." He adds.

She smiles before continuing.

"Anyway, he sees the senator get dragged into the alley, and then shot in the back of the head. Gets a clear picture of his assailant, though he claims not to recognize him. Then when Moretti is climbing out of the dumpster, the cop he ran from walks into the alley and catches him trying to flee." The light turns green and they press forward again.

"Handy." He inserts.

"Reilly, the undercover cop, was actually investigating another 'family.' Seems they were tipped off some thing was going to go down in their part of the city. He sees the body and goes to investigate and catches our guy, thinking he has something to do with the murder he detains him."

Her eyes are on the road in front of her, and he takes the opportunity to watch her as his mind puts the puzzle pieces together. He's glad things aren't awkward between them work wise.

"Wish I could have seen that. Did Reilly recognize him?" He asks, his mind picturing what had to be a comic interaction between cop and criminal.

"No, actually. Back when Moretti flipped, Reilly was earning still earning his dues. He had almost nothing to do with Moretti's case. But Moretti had seen him around the precinct, and rather than risk being caught..." She pauses to let him fill in the blanks.

"He got caught." He fills in and she nods. "It's really kind of funny when you think about it. I mean forgetting the dead body." He adds after a moment.

She doesn't say anything for a minute as the reality of the case sinks back in, then answers him softly.

"Yeah. McAllister did a lot to help clean up this part of town when he took his first steps into the political arena. He never let up on pushing through any drug legislation later on in his career either."

He can tell she admires their victim. Imagines that she is not alone on the force, and feels bad that one of her heroes had to go out in such a manner.

McAllister had spent his life making up for his father's mistakes. Growing up in a less than ideal part of town, he had decided to stay out of the family business and had instead built a career tearing it down. Using what his father had taught him to uncover and end more than one criminal career. He'd used his influence to shine a light on the uglier parts of the city, causing all the worms and cockroaches to scatter to find another place to hide in the ever shrinking darkness.

"He made a lot of enemies." It was no secret.

She sighs and shakes her head.

"But he's been retired almost a year. Why now?" She asks, looking his direction as she switches lanes.

"Opportunity?" He offers. He doesn't know, but he knows there has to be a reason.

"Just doesn't sit right. Something must have triggered it." She says firmly as she pulls into a parking spot and stops the car.

"You think Moretti knows more than he's saying?" He asks.

"Possibly. He was in pretty deep before he flipped. I think he was lying when he said he didn't recognize the shooter." She admits as she opens her door and steps out.

"Isn't it in his best interest to share what he knows?" He asks as he steps out of the car. "I mean it's not like he's trying to make good with anyone on the other side. I doubt anything he does will make them want to kill him any less." He adds, waiting for her to pick up her coffee from the cup holder.

"He knows that as soon as the shooter is caught and he confirms the identity he's no longer useful." She says as she closes the car door. "I think he's hoping to broker a new deal. The only reason they're keeping him hidden is because he can confirm the identity. They're pretty strict when it comes to following the rules in WITSEC and he pretty much blew his deal. He knows they don't have to protect him and word is bound to get out that he stopped in. Especially if this is related to any organized crime family in the city."

He nods and slams his door closed as well, waiting for her to come around to his side of the car before falling into step next to her.

"If that's the case, he's not going to give you anything." He offers.

"Probably not." She stops walking and takes a sip of her coffee before continuing. "But don't you think this is an excellent opportunity for research." She smiles and he gets it.

"What did Marshal Bridger do to you?" He questions.

She plays innocent for a minute, casually sipping her coffee.

"I just don't like not knowing where my eye witness is." She tosses out before resuming her walk to the lobby doors.

"Liar. You want to be a thorn in his side." He teases as he opens the door for her.

"Maybe. Just a little bit." She admits with a smirk.

It's pretty clear when they get there just what the marshal did. It doesn't take him long to find himself agreeing wholeheartedly with her attitude.

Bridger barely recognizes her. Uses the word detective like it's a curse word. Looks at her like she couldn't possibly be smart enough, strong enough... man enough. Castle has a hard time not using force when the words: little lady, actually fall from Bridger's lips.

Moretti is slimy and has a less than average intelligence. But they learn nothing new.

Bridger scoffs a few times during the interview and Castle wants to slug him. Then as they leave he informs them that any further questioning will be set up through his office.

Castle can't say he cares much. Beckett is right, they won't get any more from that angle.

They head back to the precinct to check in and look at the former senator's financials. Nothing pops. But she keeps looking over at him like she wants to tell him something. Like something is stuck on her tongue and she wants him to loosen it so she can just spit it out.

When lunch rolls around he suggests a local burger joint, claiming a break would do them good. Really he wants to get her alone and find out what else is on her mind. He expected things to go so differently after their fight, and as the morning wore on he expected her to go cold on him, but she never did. So maybe she had changed her mind.

Either way he's never been all that great with patience.

They place their orders then sit and wait for their food to come. She doesn't look at him now and he wonders why she can be so obvious when there is no risk. So closed when they can actually talk about it.

"So about last night..."

"Look, this is weird..."

They blurt out at the same time and she smiles.

"We're being ridiculous. We're both attractive adults..." She starts.

"You think I'm attractive?" He teases and she rolls her eyes.

"Ok, one of us is an adult." She amends and he stretches his hand out to where hers rests on the table.

"I'm not asking you to sign your life away to me." He offers softly, his hand covering hers.

She looks at their hands as she speaks.

"I know. It's just..."

"A lot. I get it. I just can't play games with you anymore." He pauses and she lifts her head to meet his eyes. "I care too much."

"I know. I agree, it's out of hand."

He squeezes her hand then withdraws. It's not the answer he wants. He wants her to say more. To tell him there is some kind of hope. Some reason to keep trying. He looks away, his stomach sinking with each moment that passes them by.

"I do care." She says after what feels like an eternity of missed opportunities.

His eyes flash back to hers as a cashier drops off a tray with their food.

"I just don't know what it means. If it means anything." She admits, picking up a fry and playing with it for a minute before popping it in her mouth.

"I'm not going anywhere. If you need time..." He says slowly. He knows he risks going back to the way they were before. Pretending it all away. He knows that is, in fact, the most likely outcome.

But he can't say he would be sorry if that happens. At least he would still be in her life. That is a certainty he didn't have when he stormed out of her place the night before, and he can't say he liked the emptiness that threatened in those hours before hope returned.

It wouldn't be ideal, but he knows how to cope with that.

She nods.

"Thank you."

He watches as her body deflates a little. Like she's been holding her breath and it's finally free to rush out. Like every muscle has suddenly relaxed and she doesn't have to hold herself so tightly against the world. His brave soldier returning from battle.

He smiles and she smiles back, then shyly returns to her food. He can almost swear her cheeks pink a little.

His phone rings and it's his mother so he excuses himself for a minute. Her phone rings as he stands and walks around the corner down a long hall to the bathroom. He's distracted by his phone call and doesn't notice the two men that follow him.

His conversation is short, she just wants to clarify a few things for a charity event they are co-hosting. He decides since he's already up, that a quick stop in the bathroom is in order. He hangs up and tucks his cell into his pocket as he pushes the bathroom door open and disappears inside.

He doesn't come back.

She could tell when he answered the phone that it was his mother, so she thinks that they must have something important to talk about. Her phone call is just Esposito telling her that an ATM across the street from the back entrance to the alley caught footage of their shooter fleeing and that when the guys in the computer lab are done cleaning up the image they might have something more to go off of. Which means there is no rush to get back.

It isn't until she's halfway through her meal that she decides to check on Castle. She feels that tightening in her stomach and the adrenaline is already racing as she pushes back from the table.

Something is wrong.

He isn't in the back hall, but the back exit door is ajar and she wonders if he wandered out it. Her hand instinctively hovers over her weapon as she carefully pushes it open the rest of the way.

She doesn't have time to draw it. Doesn't have time to call out.

She doesn't even see her assailant, just feels the force of something solid against the back of her skull. The darkness closing in as her knees give out and she falls forward.

She's out before she hits the ground.


	9. Assault

  
**_Well I've been running, running, running too fast for too long / But you stop, stop me right in my tracks cause I was wrong / Keepin' my foot out the door doesn't work for me anymore..._**  
Storm- Adrianne

She wakes in a dark room with a small window near the ceiling and a closed door. It's dank and the small sliver of light barely penetrates the years of grime that have collected on the window to illuminate a small rectangle on the concrete floor.

She's bound to a chair, her ankles fastened tightly around the front legs, her arms bound behind her. Her head aches and she feels the sticky warmth of blood drying on the back of her neck. Can almost taste it on her tongue, its coppery sickness making her want to gag.

Fear sits in her stomach, an unwanted guest.

Where is he?

She struggles, tries to work her feet or wrists free but only succeeds in scraping them raw.

She's tempted to call out, but she knows all it will do is alert them to her present state. She wants to be ready for them when they come back. Wants to break free and climb out that basement window to safety. Wants to bring the whole damn department down on them and find him.

Get him out and...

The door opens and she pretends to be asleep. Hangs her head and waits as someone is shoved into the room and the door closes again.

"Kate!"

His hands are bound behind his back with a plastic zip tie, but his feet are free and he moves over to her.

"Shh." She says softly, tilting her head toward the door. He nods, coming to his knees in front of her chair.

His movements are stiff and his face is a mess. Blood drips down over his left eye. It's swollen closed, bruised and turning a disgusting shade of purple. Rage builds in her blood as he rests his head against her thigh, as if the effort of holding it up is too much.

"Sorry." He whispers.

She wants to rest her hand on his head and run her fingers through his hair. Tell him it's alright. Not his fault. They'll get out of it. Wants to gently kiss his cheek and offer comfort. But she can't.

"What do they want?" She whispers instead. He pulls his head back, remembers who they are and scoots back so he isn't touching her anymore.

She misses the contact immediately. Every part of her wants to call him back but she knows she has to be strong for him. Has to put that fear away so that her head can stay clear and she can get them out of this.

"Moretti."

It makes a sick kind of sense. They are easy targets purely because they are unaware of all the facts regarding his previous case, and are also likely to know where he is being hidden.

"What did you tell them?" She asks, knowing full well what happens when they find out that she can't tell them anything. That he doesn't know either. Their survival depends on keeping quiet.

He smiles, like he's proud of himself.

"Nothing." He almost beams. She smiles back at his childlike delight.

"Good. Once they know anything, we're as good as dead." She's proud of him, but she also knows that once they figure out his weakness the story could change. She wants to tell him to play it cool, that no matter what happens or what they promise it doesn't matter. She needs to tell him what will happen, how they will use her to get him to talk. How they will use him to get her to talk. That he can't give them any indication that it might work. But she doesn't.

She can't have him worry about that. Can't introduce that fear to him if it isn't already playing out in his head. Because if it's on his mind he's more likely to do something stupid in her defense.

"I can stall." He supplies confidently.

"I'm sorry you have to."

"It isn't your fault. I should apologize. They never would have gotten you if it hadn't been for me."

"The guys will find us. It doesn't matter." She assures him with a weak smile. She knows that though it's a possibility, it's not a certainty. He nods and settles on the ground by her feet, his back resting against the side of her chair.

"You got a plan for if they don't show?" He asks after a moment and she knows he has seen through her weak assurance.

"Rick, this could get..." She starts then stops, unsure of herself. She wants to tell him everything. Wishes she could just turn back time and do it differently. Make sure he knows what he means to her. That he's more than her friend. That she needs him around. That he's the only man who has ever had the ability to drive her completely insane, but also the only one who has ever been able to reach her when she's out there on that ledge.

He turns his head and looks up at her.

"I love you." He confesses before she can finish. He knows it isn't the ideal time to spill his guts, but he also knows it might be his only chance. He watches her eyes widen and her lips flounder around words that she can't express and he smiles.

"Don't worry about it." He adds. "We're probably not going to get out of this alive anyway."

He nudges her knee with his shoulder and she rolls her eyes. She meets his stare for a minute and it's all too clear. If she's going down, she's glad he's with her. Glad that she's not alone. She knows she shouldn't be. She knows that she should be concerned about his family and about how she ruined his life by dragging him into this mess, but none of that matters anymore.

What matters is that she cares about him. What matters is not letting this be the end. Letting him know he isn't alone anymore either.

He kneels in front of her again, careful not to break eye contact as he drifts closer to her lips. She leans toward him as best as she can fighting her restraints.

"Rick," her voice a soft whisper against his lips. "I-"

The door slams open and he jerks back. She swears under her breath as a tall meaty man enters.

"Well, well, well." He smirks as he crosses the floor and grabs Castle's collar, pulling him to his feet quickly. "This is better than I thought."

Two men stand in the open doorway, one holds a gun on her and the other stands patiently with his hands on his hips and a satisfied smile across his lips. His knuckles are split and bleeding and there are blood spots on the white undershirt he is wearing. Neither men speak and she knows them for what they are and what they will do. The one who really matters, their boss, is the one who first entered and now holds Rick captive by the collar.

"Looks like we got us a couple of love birds." He sneers then shoves Rick toward the men in the door way. "Take this one, Tony. I know you enjoyed yourself the first time around." Castle stumbles across the room from the force of the shove and the man in the white undershirt catches him, his fists clenching around Rick's biceps.

"I think me and the missus need some time to get acquainted." He says as he approaches, his hand fisting in her hair and yanking her head back so she can see the fury behind his eyes as he towers over her. She catches Rick trying to break free from Tony out of the corner of her eye before her head is yanked the other direction. Hears the sick thud of flesh against flesh and the grunt that escapes Castle's mouth in response.

"I don't think we've been properly introduced." The leader of the group sneers as he leans in and hovers inches from her face. "I'm the last person you want to play games with, so before we start I just want to make that clear." His breath is foul as it washes across her face and she closes her eyes and tries to draw away from it in response. He laughs and pulls back, lets her hair go and turns as if to walk away.

She opens her eyes and watches as he motions to the men in the doorway. They start to back out of the room as he turns back around and lets his right fist make contact with her cheek. Blood fills her mouth from a cut his ring leaves on the corner of her lower lip and she spits it out in his direction as her world spins from the impact.

"The boys are really going to enjoy you." He smirks as his eyes wander to her chest. "It's always better when you fight back. I can tell you're a regular spitfire." His hand tangles in her hair and her stomach turns in response to his familiar gesture.

"Let her go." Castle barks out as they drag him away. The man only laughs as he walks around behind her chair and grabs onto it, pulling on her hair in the process. He jerks the chair back causing her head to fall backwards and hang uncomfortably as he tugs it across the floor roughly, her body bouncing against the hard surface with every jolt across the floor as he pulls her out into the other room like she weighs nothing.

"Seems your boyfriend objects to the way we do things here." He spits out as he tugs her chair around and pushes it back upright. It rocks dangerously before settling and her eyes land on their new surroundings. "Well, he had his turn and he didn't want to help out. There are consequences to that."

The room is empty except for a large metal tub, it's full of water and bits of ice float on its surface. A garden hose runs into the tub and up some stairs in the corner of the room. The windows are covered with newsprint and only the smallest bits of light leak through. A single bulb with a pull chain illuminates the entire room and a smell worse than the fear that sits in her stomach penetrates the gloom.

"Boys." The man gestures to the tub and the man with the gun holsters it and grabs hold of Rick's left arm as the man in the white shirt grips his right. They force him to his knees in front of the tub as their leader turns back to her.

"Here is how this is going to go." He says to her as he gestures to his goons. They force Castle's head into the tub and she tries not to squirm as her blood boils. She'll kill them all for this.

"You are going to tell me what I want to know." Castle struggles against his captors and she grits her teeth and clenches her fists, fingernails digging into her palms as she tries not to count the seconds. "...and he gets to breathe."

The two men holding Rick under let go and his head comes flying up, water dripping down his face as he gasps for air.

"Are we clear?" He asks as the two men grab onto Rick again.

She knows they have nothing to tell. She also knows that as soon as he finds that out...

She has no choice.

"No." She says calmly. Her voice cold and clear. Rick nods before they shove his face back in the water. She forces herself to watch. Forces herself to pretend indifference.

She hates herself for it. For not somehow finding another option.

"Bad choice." He says as he grabs her by the hair and yanks her closer to the tub, her knees up against it. Water covering her as they pull Rick's head back up. It's freezing and as Castle coughs and sputters to clear his lungs she knows how dangerous this game is.

"Tell me where he is." The man orders again from his place behind her.

"No." She barks out.

Castle's head disappears under the water again.

"You know, he can't hold his breath forever." The man whispers in her ear as time ticks by slowly.

"I won't tell you anything."

When they pull him up this time, he's gagging and her heart is choking her.

"Don't you dare." He chokes out before they shove him back under without asking any questions.

It feels like an eternity. Each time his head disappears under the water longer than the last. Each second praying he keeps breathing. The same words yelled over and over again. That same cold smile when she refuses. His eyes meeting hers every time he comes up for air. His head below her, practically in her lap when they force him down again. Her clothing is soaked and sticking to her. Her skin numb from the cold. She bites her tongue. Holds her breath with him. Wishes to hell it was her.

She doesn't know how long, loses track of how many times he is forced under the water, but eventually the boss holds his hand up and tells his goons to hold off for a minute then he walks back around to squat next to a gasping Castle.

"You see that?" He asks, his voice low and dangerous as he points across the tub at her. "She's quite the looker. It'd be a shame if anything happened to her." He threatens as he nods toward the man with the gun.

"Nico, I think you should get her out of those wet clothes. It'd be a shame if she caught anything."

Rick tenses and she sees the fire building behind his eyes. She shakes her head at him as rough hands rip the buttons on her shirt off and the cold fabric is peeled open.

"Don't." She hisses. The last thing they need is for him to crack.

"Why don't you just tell me where he is? Nothing bad will happen to her if you do."

He hesitates for a minute and for a second she thinks that this is the end. But what he does makes her proud.

"Go to hell." He growls, his voice rough from the water torture. Then he turns his head and spits directly into their tormentor's face.

She smiles at him and he grins back at her before she finds herself face first in the ice cold water. Her body reacts to the shock by gasping and she struggles to calm her mind and not breath in any more of the freezing liquid.

She can hear him distantly. He's yelling but the water blocks most of the sound. Like she's in some tranquil place, deceptively calm and safe. She almost wants to stay there, especially if it means he is no longer being held under.

The pressure on her back disappears and she feels her chair being pulled up and returned to the correct position. Blessed air greets her lungs as she coughs and sputters and water drips in her eyes as she struggles to see.

Rick is grinning like an idiot and sporting a few new cuts. If she didn't know better she'd think he was secretly enjoying this. She's sure it's going to end up in a book eventually.

"It's not going to work." She matches Rick's grin. Something about it is infectious.

"We aren't going to tell you anything." Rick adds.

"I disagree."

He gestures once more to both of his men and they descend on her. She watches confused as they cut her from the chair, then stands quickly when Nico jerks it out from under her. She nearly stumbles to the floor as the blood rushes back into her sore limbs but Tony grabs her around the waist and drags her across the room to the staircase. Nico grabs her raw wrists and she nearly shouts out in pain as he quickly locks her own handcuffs around first one wrist, then looping the chain around one of the posts on the staircase above her head, secures her other wrist. They both back away and return to where Rick kneels.

Something sinks in her stomach as she watches both men hoist Castle to his feet and pull him across the room while their boss grabs her abandoned chair and plants it in front of her. They shove Castle down into it and Nico draws his gun again pointing it at Rick as Tony hovers at the other side of the chair standing guard.

"You see, I think there are other ways of making you talk."

She's defenseless with both hands secured above her head and her shirt hanging open. On display and vulnerable. The center of attention in a small dark room that smells of death. She knows where this is going and as he approaches her, she can see that Rick knows it too.

He puts his hand on the small of her back, reaching under her open shirt to make direct contact with her cold skin. Places his other hand on her stomach, his fingers grimy against the pale white flesh.

"How do you feel about watching as we take turns with your girl?" He asks Rick, his voice a low growl in her ear, but loud enough for the entire room to hear as his hands wander her skin. She can't stop the shudder from escaping and their tormentor laughs in response. His hands feel like filth and decay as they run across her naked skin.

"Take your hands off of her." Rick warns as she feels the man's hand cup one of her breasts through her black cotton bra. As she reminds herself it could be worse, though she knows it's quickly gearing up to be worse. This is nothing compared to what they could do. Will do.

She can't think about it. It doesn't mean anything she doesn't allow it to.

"I think it's too late for that. But if you tell me where he is, I might be inclined to let you have a turn before I kill her." She forces herself to meet Rick's eyes.

"It's ok." She chokes out, feeling anything but okay at the prospect.

"It's really not, honey. Tony over there..." He grabs her hair and forces her eyes away from Rick's and onto his goon's. "He likes it rough..." Tony grins and she swallows at the look in the crazed man's eyes. "Really rough."

She closes her eyes and tries to forget. To go away. They only touch her as deeply as she lets them.

"He likes making girls cry." He adds as he squeezes her breast then lets go, trailing his hand down the front of her to pop open the button of her jeans.

"I swear to god, you'll regret this." She can hear Rick struggle to get to her but she can't open her eyes to see the torment she knows is on his face. She loves him for trying, but she knows there is nothing he can do.

"Rick." Her voice is shaky so she tries again as she feels her jeans slip down past her hips. "Rick. Close your eyes." She pleads. "Don't watch."

She knows she can keep quiet. They can do whatever they want and she can keep quiet. He'll never forgive himself if he has to see it. He'll never get over not being able to stop it.

"Kate." It's jagged and torn from him like she's the one making him walk through fire. "Look at me... Please."

Her eyes fly open to meet his because she can't deny him. Maybe she never has been able to. Maybe it doesn't matter, but as they lock with his she tries to tell him everything without words.

_I love you._

_You stupid, stubborn man._

_I love you._

Things will be different from now on, she knows it. Knows that no matter how this ends, things can never be the same between them and she's glad. So tired of pretending that he isn't her world. So tired of pretending that it doesn't matter. That it isn't anything.

She closes her eyes and braces for the worst. But it never comes.

"Hands up!" The order is yelled from the top of the stairs as a flood of uniforms rush down to the action below. "Back away and put your hands up!"

"What the hell?" The boss yells out as he backs away from her. Nico makes for the other room but is tackled to the ground by Ryan halfway. Tony backs away cautiously and Castle bolts up and puts himself between her and the criminals that held them hostage.

"You two alright?" Esposito barks out.

"Fine." She answers as Rick turns to face her, using his body to cover her. "I'm fine." She murmurs again just for him. He nods solemnly then watches over his shoulder as the three men are cuffed and cleared from the room.

A medic comes over and cuts his hands free and they fly to her cheeks to check her for injuries. She shakes them away as Ryan uncuffs her. He tries to help her cover herself but she bats his hands away and tells him to go with the medic who is hovering over him and trying to check his injuries.

She can tell he isn't happy about being separated again, but she knows he needs to be looked at and she has a case to work on. She'll meet up with him at the hospital later.

"How'd you find us?" She asks as Esposito offers her a blanket.

"ATM camera caught his image. Turns out he's had a few run ins before. This place belongs to his father; neighbor heard some suspicious noises and called the cops." He fills her in as she pulls the blanket around her and her own medic fusses with the injury to the back of her head.

"Look, we can figure this out tomorrow. Get yourself checked out and get some sleep. It will wait." Ryan adds as he joins the group.

She nods then follows the medic. She wishes she would have kept an eye on where Rick got to. She doesn't much like the idea of spending the night alone, but she knows his family will be worried so she lets the idea of calling him go. Besides, she doesn't know where her cellphone ended up and he probably doesn't know where his is either.

The ride to the hospital isn't long and the exam doesn't take much time either. Her injuries are superficial and after the doctor warns her to take it easy, he sends her on her way. She asks a nurse at the front about Castle, but she's not family and they won't tell her anything. She's just tired enough to flash her badge to get more from the nurse when she remembers that it is probably with her cellphone and her gun, wherever they ended up.

Short of walking the halls and searching for him room by room, she's screwed.

So with a heavy sigh she heads home, alone. It's the last thing she wants but she's too tired to hunt him down. Tomorrow is only a few hours away, she justifies. He's probably already at home with his loved ones hovering around him. And though she could stop by his place to check it out, hers is closer to the hospital and she doesn't want to intrude.

She has no claim over him. Feels awkward about dropping in and saying she needs him. She's a big girl and she's been through worse. Maybe if she'd said more...

"Oh my God!" Lanie's voice breaks through the buzz of the hospital as she approaches the exit and she stops as her friend crashes into her. "Are you alright?"

She nods and clings a little tighter to her friend the necessary.

"Let me take you home." Lanie orders as she puts her arm around her and steers her the rest of the way to the door. "You shouldn't be alone. Where the hell did Castle get to?"

She shrugs and listens as Lanie goes off on how he should be here. On how it never should have happened. On how those three would never see the light of day again.

She shuts her mind off and listens as Lanie talks. It's comforting and nearly lulls her to sleep on the drive home. When they get to her place Lanie uses her spare to let them in. In her post traumatic state she hadn't thought about things like cab fare or even getting passed her locked door without a key. She would have figured it out, but it was nice not to have to worry about it.

Lanie fusses some more, tells her to change and waits outside the bedroom door while she does. Then she opens the door and makes sure she settles before asking if there is anything else she needs.

She wants to ask if Lanie will call him. If she'll check and make sure he made it home. But it feels silly and her eyes are heavy so she shakes her head then tells Lanie to go home.

Lanie sits down on the bed next to her determined to disobey.

"Really, I'm ok. I just need to sleep. If you want to see if you can find out what happened to my cellphone, gun, and badge I wouldn't object though. My keys and wallet are also MIA." She knows that if she gives Lanie an assignment it will make her less likely to hover.

Lanie hesitates before answering.

"Alright, but if you need anything else..."

"I'll call you."

"You're sure?"

"Yes. Now go. Esposito and Ryan are probably waiting for a progress report anyway."

"Ok. But I'm serious, anything at all."

"I know. Goodnight."

"I'm so glad you're ok." Lanie whispers as she leans over and hugs Kate again. "You scared us all half to death. Don't do it again."

Kate waits until the apartment door closes after Lanie, then she closes her eyes and lets the emotions rip through her. Wishing to hell he was there to tell her it was all going to be alright.


	10. Impact

  
**_And I'm shaken then I'm still. / When your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills / Like to tell you all I want is now._**  
Set Down Your Glass - Snow Patrol

She doesn't have a chance to fall asleep. Not long after Lanie leaves there is a knock on the door. Pulling herself from the bed (she doesn't remember it ever being so hard before.) she makes her way to the door.

He stands outside her door nervously. When she didn't find him at the hospital, he thought she must have returned to the precinct so he went there after assuring his daughter and mother that he was fine. Though they didn't seem to believe him, they understood his desire to find his partner. (Or at least they didn't stop him.) When she wasn't at the precinct and Ryan and Esposito kicked him out, he decided to stop by her apartment for one last try, but as he stands waiting impatiently he wonders if she isn't home at all.

Maybe she's staying with Lanie. Maybe she's still at the hospital and he missed her. What if something is wrong with her? Maybe her injuries are worse than he expected. He wishes he had his damn phone. Wishes he'd remembered to ask about it at the precinct.

When she gets to the door she hesitates. She's really not in the mood for company and she thinks that maybe Lanie has decided against leaving and has returned. She's half ready to ignore the knocking but it grows persistent and is accompanied by a voice.

"Kate? Are you in there?" He asks. Maybe she is. Maybe they missed something and she's lying unconscious on the floor, he knows she has a head injury. God, maybe there are more men involved. Maybe they've ambushed her and she is alone with them paying for their escape. Maybe-

She flings the door open and grabs his shirt. Pulling him into her apartment she seals her lips against his and feels the tears sting her eyes as she slams them closed. He pulls her closer and answers back with equal amounts of passion and fear.

She stumbles backward and he follows, the door to her apartment wide open as she fusses with the buttons on his shirt. His lips never leave hers as he struggles to lift her but only ends up sending them back into the wall clumsily.

She grunts and grimaces as the sore spot on the back of her head hits the wall with too much force.

"Sorry." He apologizes as he pulls back. "God, are you ok?" He asks tentatively.

She laughs. They are ridiculous. Running her fingers lightly over his bruised cheek she answers him.

"I will be." Though the swelling has gone down and he doesn't look as bad as he did only a few hours ago, he flinches when she reaches a sore spot and she pulls her hand away quickly.

"Sorry." It's her turn to apologize and he laughs.

"Look at us." He sighs and steps back.

"Yeah. Look at us." She whispers then captures his lips in a soft sweet caress before stepping away and closing the door to her apartment. He watches her as she starts down the hall. When he doesn't follow she turns back to him.

"You coming?" She asks simply and he wonders for a minute if this is a mistake, but he needs her. Maybe he's weak, but he needs to feel her next to him. Watch her breathing. He needs to know she's alive and unharmed, so he follows her down the hall and to her bedroom.

She's glad he's here. She hoped he would come, but couldn't let herself believe that he would. She sits down on her bed, feet hanging over the side and he sits next to her.

Leaning against him, she rests her head on his shoulder for a minute before opening her mouth.

"I'm glad you're here." Her voice is a tiny whisper in the large room, but he feels it more than hears it. Feels the fear and relief that have lived together in him mirror her unsettled emotions.

"You knew I'd come." He whispers back as he takes her hand, his thumb running against the back of her hand soothingly.

"Always." She tilts her head back to look up at him with a smile that warms the pit of his stomach. He can't believe they're here. Can't believe that after everything that happened, they are sitting on her bed sharing a quiet moment. It's unreal, his nerves are still on overdrive.

He tilts his head to catch her lips for reassurance. Grounding himself through her touch as if she's the only thing holding him down. She tethers him to her but he doesn't mind. Instead of chafing to break free he wants her to lay a further claim on him. To never let go. He doesn't know what will happen if she lets go and is not eager to find out.

She feels the tension in him, the almost desperate way his frame hovers between action and stillness. Her heart races too, he doesn't know the darkness his presence saved her from. Doesn't know how she never wants to let him out of her sight again, even though she knows it's irrational. She knows this is the stress of the situation and that decisions made now should be questioned and double checked. But she doesn't want to double check her life anymore.

His lips linger with hers a moment more before she turns her head down and nuzzles deeper into his embrace.

"I meant what I said." His voice rumbles in his chest and she closes her eyes and lets the vibrations run through her, too. Little tremors of emotion against her skin. His warmth melting with hers. Pinpricks of life reaffirming life. Deep warm tones enveloping her in safety and security.

"I love you." His lips against her forehead.

"I know." She closes her eyes and breathes him in, then whispers. "I love you, too."

It's the easiest thing she's ever done.

"You don't have to say anyth-" He starts off before her words register but when they do he pauses for a minute before continuing. "I'm sorry what was that?" He asks as he brings his free hand to her cheek.

"Shut up or I'll take it back." She teases, bringing her hand up to cover his. Daring to open her eyes and meet his. That moment of truth, where she knows he sees just how much he means to her. Open and unguarded though her words suggest otherwise.

It's too new and tender. She's asking him to tread lightly. Give her time. He understands that this isn't easy for her; it isn't easy for him either. He's so damn scared he's going to lose her if he blinks that he has no problem imagining she too has similar fears.

"My lips are sealed." He beams back at her, happy that they are finally going somewhere.

She rolls her eyes at him. Humor is easy with him, it's safe and comfortable and she's grateful he understands. Her emotions are raw enough. It isn't a conversation she wants to be having after the day they've shared.

"What? I didn't say anything." He pretends to be defensive as she pulls his hand from her cheek and lets it rest on her thigh instead.

"Yet." She fills in, sliding her other hand free of his grip and laying down on the bed behind her.

"I promise. Scout's honor." He attempts to salute as he leans over her, his other hand still on her thigh.

"You were never a Scout, were you?" She asks seriously, and he smiles. She smiles back at him, her bottom lip catching between her teeth like she's trying to hold it back.

"No." He admits as he watches her. "But hey, you like me. You really like me. You even l-o-v-e me."

The smile disappears and she pretends to be cross with him. He can tell she just playing with him, her eyes give her away. They sparkle with mirth and she puts on her serious face.

"Spelling it out counts." She declares as she crosses her arms on her chest like a petulant five-year-old.

"Face the facts, detective." He whispers as he leans in. "You find me irresistible."

She does. It's building in the pit of her stomach, that heat he is so good at creating, and as he hovers over her lips she can only think of one thing she wants.

"They must have hit my head harder than I thought." She whispers. It's a bad idea, she reminds herself.

He thinks she's the most beautiful thing he's seen. In her oversized tee and knit pants, her hair pulled back haphazardly, her weariness evident in the lines of her face, she's still the sexiest woman he's ever met. And he almost lost her.

He knows what she would have done to protect him. He knows what she was willing to sacrifice for him. He feels selfish, and a little useless. He did what he could, but it wasn't enough. If the guys hadn't arrived when they did it would have ended differently.

"Liar." He sighs as he sits back up. He has to ask himself if this is good for her. If he's just a liability. Would they have gotten to her at all if he hadn't been around? Or did his presence save her from further damage by taking some of the blows she would have gotten?

He doesn't know, but when he sees how vulnerable she is, spread out on the bed next to him, his stomach sinks. She's always been so strong and untouchable, but tonight he saw a part of her that was helpless. A part of her that he could damage just as easily.

She props herself up on her elbows and wonders what he's thinking. He's not used to those kinds of situations, not that she is, but she's seen them more often than he has. It's not the first time her life has been on the line for her job and it won't be the last.

She lays back down on the bed and pulls him down next to her. She doesn't know what to say to make it better, so she holds his hand and lays next to him in silence.

"Kate?" He asks a moment later as he stares at her ceiling.

"Yeah?"

"Are you ok? I mean with everything that happened?" He doesn't look at her as she turns to face him.

"Rick. It's the job." She whispers. She knows he can't possibly understand it. She knows he has some idea, but that now is not the time to throw in the towel. That she can't quit just because it's dangerous. He wouldn't really want her to.

"No, I don't want the line." His voice is sharp and it surprises her as he turns his face to her. "I want the truth."

"I will be." She assures him. It could have been a lot worse and she knows that. She's grateful it wasn't.

"If anything had happened to you I..." His words falter as if he can't speak it. He doesn't know what he would do if he lost her, if they had hurt her. He doesn't dare think it.

"Nothing did." Her hands travel to his face as her words rush out. "I'm fine."

Her eyes meet his and she can see the anger and hurt brewing in them.

"I still want to kill them." His voice is firm and protective and she can't believe she has held out for so long when it's so clear.

"I know." She kisses him gently and his arms wrap around her, crushing her to him as his lips respond .

"I can't lose you." He whispers furiously, his hands tangle in her hair, roam her back pulling her impossibly close as she lays on top of him.

"You won't." She promises. The time for words has passed and she knows that it's actions that are needed. So she slips the first few buttons of his shirt open and presses her lips to his chest.

"Kate." He objects as he guides her eyes back to his. "You don't have to... I'm not looking for... I should go." He tries to push her off but she presses down and refuses to move.

"No." She objects firmly, her hands pushing against his chest as she locks her legs with his.

"It's not the time to... You'll feel differently tomorrow." He tries to explain that he doesn't want to take advantage of the situation. If they do this, he wants it to be special, he doesn't want it to be a response to their traumatic day.

"No, I won't. We've been dancing around this for a long time. I need this, Rick. You need this. It's not about anything else. It's about us. Aren't you tired of fighting it?"

He is more than tired of fighting it, he wants nothing more than to fall into her embrace and never leave it again. Her words are those he has been waiting to hear for three long years, but he's afraid she doesn't mean them. Not the way he wants her to. He is no stranger to the dance, two steps forward and one back. He can't handle a step back after almost losing her. Just wants to be close to her and know that they are alright.

"You know I am, but I don't want you to regret this." His voice is serious and she can see that he doesn't quite believe her. Yet his arms lock around her waist and hold her so tightly she thinks he'll crush her. Like he's afraid to let up for even a second.

She doesn't mind. She likes feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath. Likes the way his warmth melts through her clothes and into her skin, finally taking away the chill of the icy water.

"I won't." She whispers, her eyes locked firmly with his. She doesn't know how to explain it to him in a way he will understand. How the last thing she wants is space. How she wishes time would stretch on into forever so that she never has to feel the emptiness that fills the void he leaves.

He knows she thinks she wants this, but he can't help but see her half naked and cuffed to a railing in a dirty basement. Can't help but relive the fear that she tried so hard to hide from him as that animal defiled her perfect skin.

"But what about what happened. Isn't it a little soon?" He asks hesitantly.

She nods and presses her lips to his forehead for a minute, then she draws back and meets his eyes again. She understands his hesitancy and admires his restraint. But she is going to be fine, she knows that.

"Nothing really happened. Would I prefer it hadn't happened at all? Of course. But it's not going to ruin what we could have. I'm not going to let it." Her voice is firm and sure and he wants to believe her. Wants to believe that they can just move on without it effecting anything.

"You're sure?" He persists and she rolls her eyes, her hands rest on the bed on either side of his head as she shifts her weight to rub intimately against him before settling back down.

"Rick Castle, why don't you spend less time analyzing this and more time replacing those memories with good ones?" She whispers. "It's your hands I want to remember on my skin." Her lips run up his neck as she murmurs against his skin and his eyes roll closed as his fingers flex against her waist.

"But..." God, he wants to dive right in and she isn't helping the matter.

She pushes away from him and straddles his waist, looking down at him as her hands come to rest on her hips.

"I'm sorry, but I'm seriously going to have to talk you into this?" She questions in disbelief. "For the entire time I've known you, you've wanted one thing. The moment is here, Rick."

He's hurt that she could even think he just wanted sex.

"That isn't true and you know it. I want the whole package, but I don't want to hurt you and right now, I'm not so sure that this is going to help anything." He sits up as he speaks and she slides down his body to land on the bed between his legs, her hands bracing her weight on the bed behind her.

She hurt him with her words and as he starts to back away from her she springs forward to catch his head in her hands and stop his backward motion. Her feet on the bed by his hips, she leans forward and closes her eyes while she gathers her thoughts.

She knows what she has to say. She knows she should have said it first. Opening her eyes again she takes a deep breath as his hands land on hers and his eyes encourage her to speak.

"When we were in that room, before they came in for us, I knew we might not make it out. I knew that they were going to use you to try and get me to talk. I knew they would use me to try and get you to talk. I knew it was going to get ugly and I was more certain we wouldn't get out than that we would. People talk about their lives flashing before their eyes, about all the things they wish they had done differently, or the things they wish they had said. Rick, the only thing I regretted was you. The only thing I wished I had done differently was you. I couldn't stop thinking about how I might lose you and you'd never know. We'd never have a chance."

It's what he's been afraid of, that she's only letting him in because she's afraid she'll lose him. That she only wants him close because she needs to be reminded they are alive. He doesn't doubt she loves him, only that she won't regret opening up to him in such a vulnerable state.

"Kate." He hesitates and she shakes her head.

"No, let me finish. Lanie told me once that I was afraid to be with you. She was right. But I'm not a coward, Rick. I don't want life to pass by me. I don't want to hide anymore. Not from you."

God, he loves her and he wishes it weren't so hard. He wishes he could take it all back. The last few months, all the sneaking around, the lies, the cheating. He wishes he could start over with her, make her see that she means the world to him so she'd never doubt him. Never doubt the possibility of them. He's never thought she was a coward, he's always understood her reasons even if he didn't agree with them, and he hates that she thinks poorly of herself because of everything.

"Kate, you're the bravest person I know. The strongest, most resilient woman I've ever met. You don't have to prove anything to me." He whispers encouragingly.

She knows that. She knows that he will always believe in her no matter what she does. But part of her is afraid that Lanie's words are all too true. That if this hadn't happened to them she might never have gathered the courage to tell him. She's afraid of the time they wasted and she doesn't want to waste anymore of it.

"Maybe I have to prove it to myself." She whispers back, emotion choking her. "Rick... I've loved you for a long time. Please... stay with me tonight."

He knows what it cost her to say it. And maybe it isn't her words that convince him. Maybe it's not the way her eyes well up and she doesn't turn away from him as the emotion gets the better of her and a few stray tears slip free. Maybe it isn't knowing that this was bound to happen. And maybe it doesn't matter.

All he knows is that he loves her. And as he catches her tears with his thumbs, then his lips, it feels like the right time. As she wraps her arms and legs around him, meeting his lips kiss for kiss, it feels like the only thing to do.

He presses her to the bed gently, guiding her head to the pillow, catching her eager moan with his tongue. Her knees pressed firmly to his ribs, her hands tangled in his hair. He is her whole world, and she can't help but wonder how she could have gone so long without his energizing touch and tantalizing taste.

He wastes no time in becoming acquainted with her skin. His hands fumble to free her from her shirt and she smiles as she pushes them away and pulls the shirt over her head herself as he tosses his shirt over his shoulder. Her fingers are certain and deft as she frees him from his pants, her toes join in to push them past his knees and ankles as he pins her to the bed and tastes the skin below her ear, learning how to make her hips jump off the bed and her eyes roll back.

He smiles against her stomach, covers her skin in kisses as his lips learn her every curve. Watches as she bites her bottom lip and her breathing hitches in excitement, when his fingers slip under her waistband and tug her pants and underwear down her legs.

Hands glide over her skin as he lays her bare. She's more stunning than even he could imagine, though not for lack of trying. Her skin pale against the burgundy bedspread. He rests at her feet, lifts one to his shoulder and kisses his way to her knee then back down to her ankle. Angry red marks mar her skin from where she was bound to the chair and he's careful not to place too much pressure on them as his eyes flit to her wrapped wrists. He knows they did not fare as well.

She watches him, watch her. Watches as he licks the skin behind her knee and slides his hand up her thigh resting it oh so close to where she wants it. Tilts her hips and reaches for him. He obliges her by kissing his way up the inside of her thigh, pausing long enough for her to feel his breath on her as he pushes her legs apart slightly to open her to him the rest of the way.

No secrets. No lies. Nothing between them.

"You're amazing." He whispers, his eyes lost on his target as she leans forward and places her hands on his shoulders to get his attention. His eyes meet hers again and he smiles. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

She rolls her eyes.

"I'm serious." He defends himself as he pushes her back down to the bed and his lips land on the hollow of her hips, his teeth nipping at her lightly as he kisses his way back up to her breasts.

"Maybe we should... take you back to the...uh... hospital to get your head... examined again." She teases as she runs her hands down his back and slips her fingertips under his boxers. Her feet travel up the back of his calves as he captures her nipple between his teeth, rolls his tongue over it, then lets it slip from his mouth.

"Maybe later. I would however, be happy to let you spank me." He teases, his eyes not quite able to hide that hint of the naughty little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

She slips her hands lower, squeezing his butt as he settles between her legs and nibbles on her earlobe.

"Mmmm." She slides one hand around the front of him and wraps her hand around him. "I think you're already pretty happy, Rick."

He grunts thrusting against her and she captures his bottom lip between hers, nipping lightly then running her tongue over it as she pushes him gently to the bed next to her. Her hands slip from his boxers and she places them on his shoulders. Pushing softly, he rolls onto his back as she climbs over him on her hands and knees. Leaning down she captures his lips and his hands grab at her, pulling and tugging. Trying to coax her into closing the space between them.

She breaks her mouth free from his drugging kiss and kisses her way down his chest. When she gets to his boxers she grabs the waistband in her teeth and snaps it against his body.

"Hey. Careful." He objects and she smiles.

"Not up for a strip search?" She teases as she grabs his waistband with her hands.

"Why don't you find out, detective?" She wastes no more time and yanks his boxers down his legs, throws them away from the bed as her eyes take him in. She climbs up his body once more, rubbing her skin against him in a slow sensual crawl. He grins like a moron but enjoys every minute of the contact. This time when he pulls her to him she collapses against him, one hand moving to his face, the other pressing against his chest as he takes her lips in his for a mind altering kiss.

Her hips grind against his and he grabs them and holds them tightly to him as he thrusts against her. Heat spills from between her thighs and he wants nothing more than to find a home between them. His right hand travels over her ass and between her legs, as his fingertips explore.

She moans into his mouth and spreads her legs further for his questing fingers.

"My God, Kate." He whispers against her cheek when two of his fingers slip inside her. She rocks against his hand as he pumps in and out of her a few times, biting that full bottom lip and whimpering against his neck. He doesn't know how much longer he can stand not being inside of her, though he knows he isn't going to last long once he gets there.

"Let me hear you." He coaxes gently. She gasps out, her fingers tangling in his hair as she pushes against him. "Come on, Kate. Show me. Let go."

"Rick." She moans against his lips. Her body is slick with sweat and sex and he can smell her desire, feel her need in the desperate way she moves against him when he slips a third finger inside, his thumb rubbing against her most sensitive parts. He wants more. Wants to hear her cry out. Wants to see her. Watch as she flutters around him. Feel her slickness on more than his fingers.

"Please." She begs him and he flips her over on her back and removes his fingers.

"What the-" She demands but he silences her with a kiss then pulls away and moves to the end of the bed where he picks up her leg and puts it over his shoulder.

"You don't have to-" He presses his wet fingertips against her lips to quiet her and she captures them in her mouth, sucks them clean. Her eyes locked on his as he lowers his mouth to her lips and he tastes her on her tongue. Her wet core pressing against his stomach for a minute as his lips travel down her body once more and occupy the space his fingertips had but moments before.

"Oh my..." She cries out when his tongue teases her clit. "Rick." She moans as he thrusts it inside and tastes her. He laps at her relentlessly and when she explodes it's with his name on her lips.

Gently he places her leg back on the mattress and slides up next to her, pulling her into his embrace as he kisses her forehead, and nose. Seals his lips to hers and kisses her, his tongue lazily stroking hers as she comes down from her high.

She pulls away from his lips and smirks, then slides down the bed and takes him by surprise when she wastes no time returning the favor.

"There is no way in-" He groans as she takes him in her mouth. He closes his eyes and grips the bedspread to keep from grabbing her hair and thrusting. "-Kate, I can't-"

She knows there is no way he'll be able to withstand the same treatment he gave her, but she sucks on him a little longer before letting him slip from her mouth.

"You were saying?" She teases as she straddles him again.

He grabs her hips as she reaches between them and guides him. It's a little awkward as they fumble and adjust to each other, but when he's in her and she's smiling down at him he reaches up to her as she leans over.

"You were right, I could not handle the sight of you straddling it in tight black leather." He confesses and she laughs.

Full, deep laughter that he hasn't heard from her in months. Then they don't talk anymore.

She kisses him passionately as she rides him. He flips them and locks eyes with her as he slows the pace. Telling her with each stroke how much she means to him. How much he needs her. Wants her.

Loves her.

It doesn't last as long as he would have liked, but when he collapses against her spent, she wraps her arms around him and holds him to her. His skin sticky against hers as his chest moves with every breath, disturbing her hair where it lays against her neck.

He smiles at her with that goofy grin and she rolls her eyes at him. It isn't perfect, but it's sweet, and it's real, and she loves him even more for it.


	11. Connect

  
**_Falling slowly, eyes that know me and I can't go back / Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black / You have suffered enough and warred with yourself / It's time that you won / Take this sinking boat and point it home / We've still got time / Raise your hopeful voice you had the choice / You've made it now / Falling slowly sing your melody / I'll sing along_**  
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova

He snores; she realizes the next morning as the sun peeks through the curtains. She shoves him gently and he rolls towards her and throws his arm over her waist. She rolls her eyes as he settles, his face next to hers on the pillow. And as he drools on her pillow she's glad that at least he isn't snoring anymore.

She contemplates waking him, but she doesn't have the heart. Her body aches from both their activities of the night before and from the rough treatment she received in captivity. She can only imagine how he will fare. He took the brunt of it for her.

She likes the quiet. Richard Castle is rarely still, so she takes the time to really catalog his visible injuries. The sheet is tangled around his waist but doesn't hide the bruises that dot his skin. She carefully shifts to her side, pulling the sheet up to cover her naked skin as she settles facing him.

"Are you watching me sleep, detective?" He asks after a moment without opening his eyes.

"No. That would be creepy and way too sappy." She denies as his eyes open and he grins at her. "How do you feel?" She asks.

"Well..." He pauses and tugs on her waist until she slides closer. "Aside from being the luckiest bastard in the world..." He kisses her softly. "Like hell."

She kisses him back, lazy open mouth pecks.

"Want some Advil or something?" She breathes against his lips in a sexy purr.

"That is the hottest thing you've ever said." His hands slip under the sheet to squeeze her butt as he entertains himself with the skin just below her ear.

"It's the good kind." She almost moans.

He presses her to the bed and pauses hovering over her. Her hair is tangled and tossed haphazardly across the pillow and he can't resist the urge to run his fingers through it. He brushes his thumbs across her cheeks as he slides his fingers into the soft bed of silky locks, cupping her face in his hands he leans down and whispers.

"You're just trying to dope me up so you can have your dirty way with me?" He teases as he locks eyes with her and his desire for her escalates.

"Dirty, huh?" She questions softly, heat rolling from her in wave after drugging wave. Her eyes dark and dilated. Her voice low and raspy.

"A little slutty maybe?" He questions then captures her lower lip and tugs on it gently with his teeth.

She reaches up and locks her hands around his neck, her fingers tickling his skin as they slip into his hair.

"I shudder to think about what must run through your head on a daily basis." She whispers between kisses.

"Now Kate, if you want to talk dirty you just have to ask." He smirks as he runs his hands across her naked skin. Memorizing her curves by touch as he moves closer.

"On second thought, maybe I do just want to dope you up. You're much easier to manage when you're unconscious." She teases as he settles between her legs.

He shifts and grunts in protest as he quickly rolls away to relieve the pressure on one of his many injuries, taking the sheet with him. He closes his eyes and bites his lip to keep quiet as the pain races through his side, red hot and undeniable.

He wishes to hell he'd seen fit to stop and fill the prescription the doctor gave him the night before.

"Do you think the corner pharmacy delivers? Cause I have a prescription burning a hole in my pants pocket somewhere?" He groans.

She tries not to laugh. He could be the biggest baby sometimes. Although she has to give him credit for trying even when he was so obviously injured. Reaching over to the drawer by her bed she opens it and pulls out the bottle of painkiller she had left over from her last hospital visit. He opens his eyes and watches her as she opens the bottle. She drops a couple in her hand then closes the bottle and returns it to the drawer before grabbing the water bottle from on top of the table.

"Here, take these." She shoves them at him and he offers her a weak smile as he takes the pills.

"Prescription strength? Move in with me. Marry me. Have my babies." He spits out then swallows the pills. She takes the water bottle from him and sets it back on the table.

"I hate to think what you offered the nurse." She teases as she settles next to him again, her hand resting on his chest, as she curls into his side the sheet draped across her hips. She thinks she could get used to this early morning banter.

"Well, he wasn't really my type." Rick teases as he places a kiss on her forehead. Looking up at him she smiles.

"I see." She answers as he leans down toward her lips. He doubts he's ever going to be able to watch her talk and not flash back on where those lips have been.

"Do you now?" He murmurs then slides his hand across her side and down her hip pushing gently and tipping her onto her back, and then back up to her breast as if he can't decide just where he wants to touch. His eyes cataloging her naked skin, feasting on the vision she offers spread out in front of him.

"Mmmmhmmm." She hums as he carefully shifts and kisses his way down her neck. He really should be... She forgets what he should and shouldn't be doing when he teases her nipple with his tongue.

Her hands land carefully on his head, halfway between holding him there and pushing him away. Mostly just hanging on. She squirms delightfully below him and he almost thinks he could convince his body to forget the trauma and make love to her again.

His hands land on her wrists and she yanks them away with a sharp gasp. He pulls back quickly.

"Sorry." Her eyes are closed and she's biting her lip, it would be sexy as hell if not for the pain he knows she is in. "Let me see." He coaxes her and she only hesitates for a moment before holding her right wrist out to him.

Carefully, he unwraps the bandage to reveal her injuries and he wants to cringe at what he finds. It's slightly swollen, and the skin is raw and weeping.

"Those cuffs really did a number on you." He whispers and wishes he could take it all away.

"It's fine." She answers as she pulls her arm free and turns her back to him, rewrapping the bandage in the process. She catches the sheet and pulls it up to cover herself.

"It isn't." He argues, sliding behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist he kisses the side of her neck and squeezes her tightly.

"Rick." She objects and turns in his arms to face him again.

"Kate." He mimics her tone and she gives him a pointed stare.

"I'm not ok with it. I'm never going to be. So just accept that I hate the idea of anyone touching you or hurting you." He says after a moment as he brushes her hair back from her face.

"Fine, as long as you accept that I'm never going to be ok with you coddling me." She knows he's just concerned but she doesn't want him getting any ideas about his role. The last thing she needs is for him to become overprotective. She can take care of herself.

He knows she's always going to fight him on that and that most of the time she will be right. He meant it when he told her she was the strongest woman he knew, but that didn't stop him from wanting to make sure nothing ever hurt her again.

"Point taken." He concedes. She let him in, let him hold her and love her. He can give her the space she needs as long as she doesn't shove him away completely.

"Good, now get back over here." She smiles weaves her fingers through his hair, tugging him back to her lips. Sliding his tongue in her mouth, he lets his own hands wander again. Loves that he can. That nothing is off limits anymore. Loves the feel of her skin against his, of her fingers dancing down his chest and her arms wrapping around him and pulling him closer.

Well, until her arm tightens around his side and fire explodes beneath his skin. His stomach turning over in a sick reminder of his less than perfect health.

"Cracked rib." He confesses under his breath as he pulls away. How the hell had they done this last night?

"And you let me?" Her mind flashes back to all of the positions they had shared the night before. He should have been begging her to stop, not joining in so enthusiastically. "Last night?"

"I had some pretty good drugs before I left the hospital?" He offers lamely. She gives him another of her disapproving looks. Like he should have known better. "What? I caught a cab."

She rolls her eyes at his excuse.

"You should be at home in bed." She adds even though that is the last place she wants him to be.

He gives her a mischievous grin and walks his fingers across her stomach.

"Oh, but I am, detective. I am very much at home in your bed. In fact, I think we should stay here for the next week." His lips punctuate his words with a few hungry pecks to her neck.

"Oh you do, do you?" She questions, her voice breathy as his fingers wrap around the sheet once more and he drags it across her skin as he uncovers her.

"You know that if you try to go in today they will make you come right back here. So really you have no choice but to stay here and let me do all sorts of delightful things to you." His reasoning is sound, and very tempting. His lips on her earlobe almost as convincing as the hardness he presses into her hip.

She's suitably impressed with his response, but she knows they would be stupid to risk injuring him further.

"With your cracked rib?" She questions.

"It worked last night." He adds simply and works his way down her neck, his hand moving up her body to grope her breast.

"Maybe I'm not the one with the head injury." She closes her eyes and enjoys the ride.

"There you go again with that dirty talk." He pulls back to look at her and waits until she opens her eyes and meets his to continue. "What is your fascination with my head?" He asks.

She cradles his head in her hands.

"Does your mind ever leave the gutter?" She asks, he smiles.

"Not when you're lying here in your birthday suit." He answers then returns his attention to the inside swell of her right breast.

"So I should get dressed?" She teases.

"If you do, I won't be held responsible for the inevitable destruction of whatever you decide to cover yourself with." He answers against her stomach. He moves slowly and carefully, but it's seductive as hell and she loses track of time as his tongue dances across her skin.

"You're cheating." She pants as he nips at the skin at the juncture of her hip. That soft sweet indentation where her leg meets the rest of her body. He smiles against her skin and moves to cover the final distance to his goal when the phone on her bedside table rings and she rolls away from him.

He tries to press on as she talks but she places a hand against his chest and holds him back. Her conversation is brief but he gets the gist of it and when she hangs up she confirms his guess.

"Lanie?" He questions as she starts to pull away.

"Yeah, she's bringing some stuff by." She says as she lays on her back and stares at the ceiling.

"We better hurry then." He whisper in her ear and wraps his arms around her.

"We better get dressed." She disagrees with her words but her hands come to rest on his arms and she holds him to her.

"Why, you look so amazing naked?" His tone full of disbelief. She laughs then turns to rest her head against the pillow next to him. Her face growing serious as he moves his hands to rest on the small of her back.

"Look, we should talk about what happened." She sighs. She didn't want to have this conversation so early. She wanted to fool around some more, maybe doze a little with him, and then after a full day of doing nothing but enjoying each others company maybe broach the topic over dinner.

"Oh no, you don't. I am not taking it back. I intend to frequent your bed." He spits out quickly his grip on her tightening, and she smiles softly and brushes her fingers across the uninjured side of his face.

"You better. That isn't what I meant." Her voice as tender as her touch.

"What did you mean then?" He questions and she feels the tension in him drain.

"Just that as soon as people find out, this becomes a lot more complicated. I like this. Just us." She whispers. For a minute he thought she was going to run away. This is more than he could have hoped for.

"I like it, too." He admits with a grin of his own.

"I'm not ready for the world to know. I just want some time to get used to the idea." She continues, her fingers wandering down his neck and across his collarbone, marveling at the strength in his grip as her eyes follow her fingers.

"Naked time?" He teases and presses his lower half against hers.

"Among other things." She laughs.

He doesn't ever want to screw this up. Wants to wake up like this with her every day. But he doesn't want to press his luck or assume she wants the same thing.

"Just so we're clear, what is it exactly that you want?" He asks, his tone more sober.

"Us." Her voice is unshakeable and he lets go of those nagging doubts that keep trying to tell him she's going to kick him out the door. She finally wants what he does and he couldn't be more pleased or relieved at the same time.

"I want to be with you, I just want some alone time before I have to share us with the press and even with our friends. They'll figure it out soon enough. For now I just want to be us." She continues, her eyes earnest and pleading. And he gets it, he really does. Before he would have thought it was just a ploy or an excuse to avoid the truth. But this isn't going to be easy for either one of them, and he doesn't blame her for wanting to keep quiet.

What they have is so new and fragile, it doesn't need any outside pressure to help it fall apart. He's sure they can manage that on their own just fine.

"So you want me to get dressed so Lanie doesn't put two and two together." He cups her cheek and she leans into his hand. Relief rushing through her. She hoped he would understand, but was afraid he wouldn't. Afraid he'd see it as a step back.

"Something like that. Though I doubt you being dressed will make any difference in what she figures out." She smiles and he kisses her softly.

"Plausible deniability. You know, I kind of like the idea of sneaking around with you." He teases as he pulls away from her.

And he actually does. It could be fun, and their lives could use some fun. He likes knowing that they have a shared secret. That she can pretend all she wants, but he knows that she's coming home to his bed. That when he flirts with her at work now it won't be a possibility but a promise.

"I hoped you might." She adds as he scoots carefully to the edge of the bed and swings his feet down. She follows him and sits on her knees behind him. He turns his head and looks at her over his shoulder.

"It's kind of hot." He smirks. "But if someone asks, I'm not going to lie to them." He adds in a more serious tone.

She nods and kisses his shoulder.

"I wouldn't ask you to. I don't want to be your dirty little secret, I just want some time to be with you before the rest of the world jumps into our relationship." She explains and he nods.

"You think we can last longer than Lanie and Esposito did?" He questions before catching her lips again for a quick kiss.

"Is there even any doubt?" She teases. In reality, they are probably the only two who could pull it off. They already act like they are dating at work. Nothing will really change as far as their behavior there. Even if he is bolder, the guys will have no proof that he isn't just upping the ante a bit.

She scoots to the edge of the bed and stands, walks over to where her shirt landed the night before and pulls it over her head before bending to pick up his boxers.

"I guess this means we won't be making out in the elevator at the precinct?" He asks, enjoying the view.

"That would be a wise guess." She rolls her eyes and tosses his boxers at him. "Now hurry up, she'll be here soon."

"What about when everyone leaves?" He continues to watch her and lets the boxers sit on his lap.

She returns to the bed to stand in front of him with his pants in her hand. She sets them on the bed next to him as he talks. He watches her as she steps between his legs then drops to her knees. Her hands wrap around his neck.

"I've always had this fantasy with you at your desk and I-" She pulls him to her lips to shut him up. Her tongue making lazy circles with his as her hands run down his chest and push the boxers from his lap and to the bed. She's had some fantasies herself, but they definitely don't have time to go into those before Lanie arrives.

Without breaking the kiss she stands then redeposits herself in his lap. His hands drop to her thighs and he nearly dies when she brushes against him intimately.

Then before he knows what happened, she's back on her feet and backing away from him.

"Get dressed and we'll talk about it later." She smirks from across the room as she picks up her panties.

"Is that a maybe?" He gulps, his brain incapable of thought after her little game.

"That's a: if you want to have a chance in hell, you'll shut up about it and pretend you haven't seen me naked when Lanie gets here." She answers.

He grins as he pulls on his boxers.

"What?" She questions picking up his shirt and tossing it at the bed.

"You didn't say no." He explains quickly donning his pants as well.

"It wasn't a yes either." She rolls her eyes as she pulls her underwear up her long legs. Then turns around to hunt for her pants only to catch him standing still watching her. "What are you doing?" She asks, frazzled.

"Enjoying the show." He answers and she swears that if she didn't love him she'd kill him herself.

The doorbell rings as she locates her pants and she sighs.

"Our cover is going to be blown before we even start at this rate." She offers, quickly tugging her pants on as she walks toward the front door. Castle grabs his shirt and tugs it on as well, his fingers fumbling with the buttons.

They pause in the living room and she swats his hands away and finishes buttoning his shirt herself.

"I got it covered." He promises in a whisper. "You just watch." He adds then hurries to the couch and lies down. He tugs a blanket over him, pretending to sleep.

"What are you doing?" She demands in a harsh whisper.

"Trust me." He answers.

Unhappy at her lack of choice, she opens the door.

"Are you ok?" Lanie asks as soon as the door opens. "It took you a while to get to the door." Her friend's concern, though ill-timed, is touching and Kate feels slightly guilty about making Lanie worry needlessly.

"Just a little slow moving this morning." She offers. It's not really her fault that pulling herself away from Rick is so difficult. She decides that Rick is just going to have to take the blame for that. She doubts he'll mind and can almost guarantee he's going to become disturbingly good at making most mornings an exercise in will power. That he's going to get a sick thrill out of making every morning a 'slow moving' morning.

"Can I come in?" Lanie asks.

She hesitates. While she doesn't want to be rude, it would be nice to avoid the topic of Castle spending the night entirely.

"Yeah, uh..."

Lanie pushes past her anyway, making the decision for her.

"What is he doing here so early?" Her friend demands as her eyes land immediately on her house guest, where he pretends to sleep on the couch. "Did you two-"

"Really? Does it look like we did?" Kate cuts her off before she can finish. She doesn't want to lie, but she also really doesn't want Lanie to figure it out so soon.

"Nah, I guess he wouldn't be sleeping on the couch if you had. Pity." Lanie sighs.

"Shush, you're going to wake him up." Kate tries not to smile at the obvious disappointment on her friend's face and the complete ridiculousness of Rick's plan. He doesn't even look like he's sleeping and she can't believe Lanie buys it.

"Too late. What time is it?" He groans and rubs at his eyes, making sure to wince and pull his hand back quickly as he touches his injured eye. Slowly sitting up, and making a big production of it. "When did I fall asleep?" He asks.

And he said he wouldn't lie for her, this time she does smile.

"It's nine thirtyish." Lanie supplies as she rolls her eyes then turns to face Kate again. "Here..." She hands her a plastic bag. "It's your keys, wallet, and phone. Montgomery has your badge and gun, you know the drill."

She did. It was going to take a psych evaluation before she could get her gun and badge back, and she wasn't really looking forward to it.

"Yeah, I'll head in later to talk to him." She waves it off.

"He told me to tell you that if you showed up today he was going to send your sorry ass home and to not even consider it." Lanie offers seriously.

"You got my stuff too?" Castle asks as he stands and stretches, adding to his performance.

"And why would I be bringing your stuff to Kate's place?" Lanie asks as she turns around to face him again, her hands on her hips.

"No reason I guess." He mumbles. Kate bites her lip from behind Lanie to keep from laughing.

"Ryan has your stuff. I think he and Javi were going to swing by and drop it off if you didn't show up at the precinct today. Should I tell them to swing it by here instead?" Lanie asks.

He wonders why it always feels like she's asking him a different question than the one that comes out of her mouth.

"Nah, I'll pick it up on my way home." He answers. Lanie gives him one last look, like maybe she's trying to figure something out, then turns back to Kate.

"Alright, I've got to get back. You need anything?" She asks and Kate smiles.

"No, I'm fine." She answers.

"I'm sure you are." It's clear by her tone, that Lanie doesn't believe her but she drops it. "We will be talking about this later." She tilts her head back to indicate Castle.

"I'm sure we will." Kate sighs as she moves toward the door to open it again. Lanie turns back and points her finger at Rick.

"And you... You better make sure she's not overdoing it." She orders. He somehow feels like the villain in Lanie's play and wonders what he did to warrant the role.

"Of course. See you later, Dr. Parish." He says. She narrows her eyes at him before turning back to Kate.

"I'll call." Lanie affirms again as she moves toward the door.

"I know you will." Kate answers and opens the door. Lanie moves to leave but stops halfway. She turns to face Kate one more time.

"Are you sure you two didn't?" She whispers loudly.

"Lanie." Kate sighs.

"Oh alright. Later." She offers Kate a hug and then leaves the apartment.

"Bye." Kate calls after her as she closes the door.

"Think we passed her test?" Rick asks.

"I don't know." She shrugs. They'd find out soon enough if they didn't.

"Come here." He opens his arms and she steps into his embrace. "I think that painkiller is kicking in. Wanna talk about about the elevator now?" He whispers into her ear. She chuckles and pushes back to meet his eyes.

"You really want to talk when we could be doing other things?" She asks with one brow raised.

"Naked things?" Dear God, he hopes it's naked things. She turns and starts to head back to the bedroom.

"Why don't you figure it out, Sherlock." She tosses over her shoulder with her shirt.

He wastes no time in following her back to the bedroom.


End file.
